Michelle Wolf's White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech
Video and Transcript
May 01, 2018 "Information Clearing House" - All right, this is long. This has been long. Yeah. Good evening. Good evening.
Here we are the White House Correspondentsí Dinner. Like a porn star says when sheís about to have sex with a Trump, ďLetís get this over with.Ē Yep, kiddos this is who youíre getting tonight.
Iím going to skip a lot of the normal pleasantries. Weíre at a Hilton, itís not nice. This is on C-SPAN, no one watches that. Trump is president, itís not ideal. White House Correspondentsí Association, thank you for having me, the monkfish was fine. Just a reminder to everyone, Iím here to make jokes, I have no agenda, Iím not trying to get anything accomplished. So everyone thatís here from Congress, you should feel right at home.
Now, before we get too far, a little bit about me. A lot of you might not know who I am. I am 32 years old, which is an odd age ó 10 years too young to host this event, and 20 years too old for Roy Moore. I know, he almost got elected, yeah. It was fun. It was fun.
Are You Tired Of The Lies And Non-Stop Propaganda?
Honestly, I never really thought Iíd be a comedian, but I did take an aptitude test in 7th grade, and this is 100% true. I took an aptitude test in 7th grade and it said my best profession was a clown or a mime. Well, at first it said clown, and then it heard my voice and was like, ďOr maybe mime. Think about mime.Ē
And I know as much as some of you might want me to, itís 2018 and I am a woman so you cannot shut me up ó unless you have Michael Cohen wire me $130,000. Michael, you can find me on Venmo under my porn star name, Reince Priebus. Reince just gave a thumbs up.
Okay. Now, people are saying America is more divided than ever, but I think no matter what you support politically, we can all agree this is a great time for craft stores. Because of all the protests, poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say, ďYouíve been subpoenaed.Ē
Thanks to Trump, pink yarn sales are through the roof. After Trump got elected, women started knitting those pussy hats. When I first saw them I was like, ďThatís a pussy?Ē I guess mine just has a lot more yarn on it. Yeah. You should have done more research before you got me to do this.
Now, there is a lot to cover tonight, thereís a lot to go over. I canít get to everything. I know thereís a lot of people that want me to talk about Russia and Putin and collusion, but Iím not going to do that because thereís also a lot of liberal media here and Iíve never really wanted to know what any of you look like whether you orgasm. Except for you Jake Tapper. I bet itís something like this. Okay, thatís all the time we have.
It is kind of crazy that the Trump campaign was in contact with Russia when the Hillary campaign wasnít even in contact with Michigan. Itís a direct flight; itís so close.
Of course, Trump isnít here, if you havenít noticed, heís not here. And I know, I know, I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pussy youíre not allowed to grab. He said it first, yeah he did. You remember? Good.
Now, I know people really want me to go after Trump tonight, but I think we should give the president credit when he deserves it. Like, he pulled out of the Paris agreement, and I think he should get credit for that because he said he was going to pull out and then he did, and thatís a refreshing quality in a man. Most men are like, ďI forgot. Iíll get you next time.Ē Oh, thereís going to be a next time? People say romance is dead.
People call Trump names all the time, and look, I could call Trump a racist, or a misogynist, or xenophobic, or unstable, or incompetent, or impotent, but heís heard all of those and he doesnít care. So tonight, Iím going to try to make fun of the president in a new way, in a way I think will really get him.
Mr. President, I donít think youíre very rich. I think you might be rich in Idaho but in New York youíre doing fine. Trump is the only person that still watches Who Wants to Be a Millionaires? and thinks, ďMe!Ē Although Iím not sure youíd get very far. Heíd get to like the third question and be like, ďI have to phone a Fox & Friend.Ē
Iím going to try a fun new thing, okay? Iím going to say, ďTrump is so broke,Ē and you guys go, ďHow broke is he?Ē All right.
Trump is so broke he has to fly failed business class.
Trump is so broke he looked for foreign oil in Don Jr.ís hair.
Trump is so broke Southwest used him as one of their engines. I know, itís so soon. Itís so soon for that joke. Why did she tell it? Itís so soon.
Trump is so broke he had to borrow money from the Russians and now heís compromised and susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for the collapse of the Republic. Yay, itís a fun game!
Trump is a racist though. He loves white nationalists, which is a weird term for a Nazi. Calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a pedophile a kid friend, or Harvey Weinstein a ladiesí man ó which isnít really fair, he also likes plants.
Trumpís also an ideas guy, heís got loads of ideas, youíve got to love him for that. He wants to give teachers guns, and I support that because then they can sell them for things they need, like supplies. Thatís a lot of protractors.
A lot of people want Trump to be impeached. I do not, because just when you think Trump is awful, you remember Mike Pence. Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isnít gay. Mike Pence is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and thinks, ďMmm.Ē
Mike Pence is very anti-choice. He thinks abortion is murder, which, first of all, donít knock it till you try it. And when you do try it, really knock it. You know, youíve got to get that baby out of there.
And yeah, sure, you can groan all you want. I know a lot of you are very anti-abortion, you know, unless itís the one you got from your secret mistress. Itís fun how values can waver, but good for you.
Mike Pence is a weirdo though, heís a weird little guy. He wonít meet with other women without his wife present. When people first heard that, they were like, ďThatís crazy.Ē But now in this current climate theyíre like, ďThatís a good witness.Ē
Which, of course, brings me to the #MeToo movement. Itís probably the reason Iím here. They were like, ďA womanís probably not going to jerk off in front of anyone, right?Ē And to that I say, donít count your chickens. Thereís a lot of parties.
Now, I worked in a lot of male-dominated fields. Before comedy, I worked at a tech company, and before that, I worked on Wall Street, and honestly, Iíve never been sexually harassed. That being said, I did work at Bear Stearns in 2008, so although I havenít been sexually harassed, Iíve definitely been fucked. That whole company went down on me without my consent. And no men got in trouble for that one, either.
Things are changing; men are being held accountable. Al Franken was ousted, that one really hurt liberals. I believe it was the great Ted Kennedy who said, ďWow, thatís crazy, I murdered a woman.Ē Chappaquiddick, in theaters now.
I did have a lot of jokes about Cabinet members, but I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired. You guys are going through Cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people. No, donít worry theyíre having an afternoon, thatíll solve it. We just needed an afternoon.
Mitch McConnell isnít here tonight, he had a prior engagement, heís finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel.
Paul Ryan also couldnít make it. Of course, heís already been circumcised. Unfortunately, while they were down there, they also took his balls. Yeah, bye Paul. Great acting, though, in that video.
Republicans are easy to make fun of, you know, itís like shooting fish in a Chris Christie. But I also want to make fun of Democrats. Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys donít do anything. People think you might flip the House and Senate this November, but you guys always find a way to mess it up. Youíre somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff Pedophile Nazi Doctor. Oh, heís a doctor?
We should definitely talk about the women in the Trump administration.
Thereís Kellyanne Conway. Man, she has the perfect last name for what she does. Conway. Itís like if my name was Michelle Jokes Frizzy Hair Small Tits. You guys have got to stop putting Kellyanne on your shows. All she does is lie. If you donít give her a platform, she has nowhere to lie.
Itís like that old saying, if a tree falls in the woods, how do we get Kellyanne under that tree? Iím not suggesting she gets hurt. Just stuck. Stuck under a tree. Incidentally, a tree falls in the woods is Scott Pruittís definition of porn. We all have our kinks.
Thereís also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out sheís about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. Sheís done nothing to satisfy women, so I guess, like father, like daughter. Oh, you donít think heís good in bed, come on.
She does clean up nice, though. Ivanka cleans up nice. Sheís the Diaper Genie of the administration: on the outside, she looks sleek, but the inside, itís still full of shit.
We are graced with Sarahís presence tonight. I have to say Iím a little star-struck. I love you as Aunt Lydia in The Handmaidís Tale. Mike Pence, if you havenít seen it, you would love it.
Every time Sarah steps up to the podium I get excited, because Iím not really sure what weíre going to get ó you know, a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams. ďItís shirts and skins, and this time donít be such a little bitch, Jim Acosta!Ē
I actually really like Sarah. I think sheís very resourceful. She burns facts, and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Like maybe sheís born with it, maybe itís lies. Itís probably lies.
And Iím never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders, you know? Is it Sarah Sanders, is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is it Cousin Huckabee, is it Auntie Huckabee Sanders? Like, whatís Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know. Aunt Coulter.
Weíve got our friends at CNN here. Welcome, guys, itís great to have you. You guys love breaking news, and you did it, you broke it. The most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles.
Fox News is here. So, you know what that means, ladies? Cover your drinks. Seriously.
People want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight, but I cannot do that, this dinnerís for journalists.
Weíve got MSNBC here. MSNBCís new slogan is, ďThis is who we are.Ē Guys, itís not a good slogan. This is Who We Are is what your mom thinks the sad show on NBC is called. Did you watch This is Who We Are this week? Someone left on a crockpot, and everyone died.
I watch Morning Joe every morning. We now know Mika and Joe are engaged. Congratulation you guys, itís like when a #MeToo works out.
Rachel Maddow. We cannot forget about Rachel Maddow. Sheís the Peter Pan of MSNBC, but instead of never going up, she never gets to the point. Watching Rachel Maddow is like going to Target ó you went in for milk but left with shampoo, candles, and the entire history of the Byzantine Empire. I didnít need this.
And of course, Megyn Kelly. What would I do without Megyn Kelly? Probably be more proud of women. Megyn Kelly got paid $23 million by NBC, then NBC didnít let her go to the Winter Olympics. Sheís so white, cold, and expensive, she might as well be the Winter Olympics.
And by the way, Megyn, Santaís black. The weird old guy going through your chimney was Bill OíReilly. Might want to put a flue on it or something.
Thereís a lot of print media here, thereís a ton of you guys, but Iím not going to go after print media tonight because itís illegal to attack an endangered species. Buy newspapers.
Thereís a ton of news right now, a lot is going on, and we have all these 24-hour news networks, and we could be covering everything. Instead, weíre covering three topics. Every hour is Trump, Russia, Hillary, and a panel full of people that remind you why you donít go home for Thanksgiving. Milk comes from nuts now all because of the gays.
You guys are obsessed with Trump. Did you used to date him? Because you pretend like you hate him, but I think you love him. I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you. He couldnít sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric, but he has helped you. Heís helped you sell your papers and your books and your TV. You helped create this monster, and now youíre profiting off of him. If youíre going to profit off of Trump, you should at least give him some money, because he doesnít have any.
Trump is so broke he grabs pussies because he thinks there might be loose change in them. Like an immigrant who was brought here by his parents and didnít do anything wrong, Iíve got to get the fuck out of here. Good night.
Flint still doesnít have clean water.
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