By Susie Day

February 04, 2019 "Information Clearing House" -     Now that the government shutdown has ended, the Trump administration has turned to hard science to bolster its argument for a border wall. The proposed 2,000-mile barrier, which would bar thousands of Latin Americans from illegal entry into the United States, received timely support today, with the announcement of a breakthrough scientific discovery. According to top anthropologists at Immigration and Customs Enforcement, only United States citizens – unique among any other people on planet Earth – possess qualities identifying them as true Homo sapiens.

“I feel so clean – so human!” exclaimed Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen. “Frankly, there was something sub-par about those so-called ‘people’ invading our democracy. They’re … pushy. And their screaming kids – so ungrateful for those shiny new NASA space blankets. Hurtful.”

Ms. Nielsen, who currently faces an FBI investigation for denying to Congress the existence of Trump’s policy separating immigrant families, asserted that this scientific breakthrough fully justifies the allotment of $5.7 billion for the wall.

“It totally vindicates President Trump for calling immigrants rapists, murderers, terrorists, whatevers. Given this newfound scientific data, what could you expect from these human-being-wannabes?”