Satire - France
Invades U.S. (Part 9)
By Jerry Ghinelli
" -- --
French President Jacques Chirac’s divinely
inspired mission to free the American people from the brutal
repressive regime of former US President George W Bush
and bring French-style democracy to America, has
begun to suffer political and economic consequences at home,
and military setbacks abroad as Operation American Freedom,
now in its third year, remains “unaccomplished.”
Operation American Freedom
was initially blessed by a passive French Parliament and
cheered on by a compliant media, which eagerly supported
Chirac’s military action to rid the US of
illegal weapons—thus guaranteeing peace and security for
France, its neighbors and allies—the
mission has now stalled, according to worldwide
Launched back in March of
2003, France’s invasion of the US has been plagued by an
unexpected American insurgency and skyrocketing financial
Chirac expected the
invasion to be a “cakewalk”; that the Americans would
welcome French liberation forces with “candy and flowers.”
After all, the Americans, Chirac suggested, were defeated by
“ragtag” Vietnamese guerillas wearing
sandals, and were thought unable or
unwilling to fight any country,
during the past 60
years, that had greater than a
But the bravery and honor
of the American people has bogged down the superior French
and German coalition forces, and the dreaded “cut and
run“—or, rather, “declare victory and leave”—is
starting to creep into the French psyche.
Chirac insists, however,
that the insurgency in the US is represented by only a small
element of freedom-hating evildoers, and he states
emphatically that it is in “its final throes.” Chirac refers
to the American insurgents as religious fanatics, extremists
and terrorists who can’t stand freedom. He continues to
insist that we must fight the evildoers over there in
America so we don't have to fight them over here in France.
Chirac made a
similar pronouncement back on May 1, 2003 (Part 1), when he
landed on the aircraft carrier Napoleon and declared
that major combat operations in America had
ended, and France’s mission had been accomplished.
Here is an excerpt from
what Chirac stated at that time:
Freedom was carried out with a combination of precision and
speed and boldness the enemy did not expect, and the world
had not seen before. From distant bases or ships at sea, we
sent planes and missiles that could destroy an enemy
division, or strike a single bunker. Marines and soldiers
charged across 350 miles of hostile ground, in one of the
swiftest advances of heavy arms in history. You have shown
the world the skill and the might of our Armed Forces."
Vive la France!
Critics charge that
sending planes and missiles “from distant bases” against the
poor, defenseless American people in an unprovoked invasion
was a cowardly act of state-sponsored, high-tech terrorism.
Chirac insists that the American insurgents who attack
the French with their crude weapons—often concealed under
their clothes, or in their broken-down cars—are the real
“Firing missiles from
distant aircraft carriers is precision warfare, and the
resulting deaths are but an unfortunate act of collateral
damage. Using cheap, home-made weapons and your body as a
missile is cowardly, and death resulting
from these primitive and barbaric weapons is nothing short
of murder,” explained Chirac.
forces have had to cope with
this primitive insurgency, which has caused the deaths of over
2,000 of their best and bravest, and over
15,000 more wounded. American casualties are
estimated to number over 100,000, but this is unofficial,
since the French “do not do” American body counts.
Chirac still insists
that the American insurgency to expel the French is winding
down, isolated only to the “Dixie Triangle” (Virginia,
Florida, and Texas) and waged solely by
fundamentalist Christians and Jews who can't stand
French-style democracy and jealous
of the freedoms enjoyed by the French,
Both Christian and
Jewish insurgents are committing acts of terror and revenge
not only on French liberation forces, but on their own
citizens as well.
Chirac claims that
the mayhem is mainly the
work of one man: the diabolical, one-legged leader of the
American resistance, a Jewish insurgent by
the name of Ari Moshe al-Zionawi.
Despite his one leg,
the fact that he has been wounded several times and has lost
hundreds of his lieutenants, Zionawi is cunning, almost
magical in his prowess, and always
escapes capture in a way reminiscent of the cartoon
character, the Road Runner
But the French media
portray the bearded Zionawi not as a cartoon character, but
as fiendishly evil and very sinister-looking, with a
yarmulke on his head and a Star of David around his neck.
However, some allege that
Zionawi is, in fact, an imaginary character, cooked up by French
intelligence agents, a propaganda invention or,
more aptly, nonsense. Some charge it is nothing more than a
stunt to personify the American insurgency with an “evil,”
“scary” face, and this characterization, they
claim, is both silly and anti-Semitic.
has upped the reward for his capture—dead or alive—from 25
to 50 million euros. Chirac justifies the increase as
necessary, because 25 million euros "was
no longer considered a sufficient enough
bring him to justice."
Comedians joke that the increased
reward money is necessary, for catching ghosts is not
as easy as it used to be.
Chirac also claims that
foreign-born terrorists from Canada and Mexico, along
with Israeli and British fighters, are infiltrating the US
and supporting the American insurgents against the French
and their German “coalition of the willing” partners.
Israel’s General Ariel
Sharon and British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who remain in
Chirac’s crosshairs—or, more appropriately, in his
axis of evil—have steadfastly denied this accusation. The
French and Germans also claim that the Israelis and
British are both in possession of nuclear, biological and
chemical weapons, and demand they allow inspectors entry or
they will face “serious consequences,” just like the
US, said Chirac.
British Prime Minister Tony
Blair, the primary "spoke"
in Chirac’s axis of evil, has strongly denied
attempting to obtain nuclear weapons, claiming that British
research is for peaceful purposes only. Blair has refused
German and French weapons inspectors entry into the UK
to gain unimpeded access to suspected weapons sites.
Understandably, the British are weary of the Germans,
who terrorized London in the 1940s, and the French, with
whom they have been
at odds for centuries.
Germany has also created British “no-fly zones,” and
repeatedly bombed British command and control sites
throughout the United Kingdom. Blair insists that the
resolve of the British people will resist French and German
aggression, and has called the inspections of his
country illegal and hypocritical. France is a nuclear power
and possesses hundreds, if not thousands, of
nuclear weapons, and Germany refuses to confirm or deny its
nuclear arsenal, but many suspect it is a nuclear power as
Mainly concerned with the
hundreds of billions of euros spent and
only the French soldiers who have been killed,
the mood of the people of France is beginning to sour.
A majority of the French,
who thoroughly enjoyed the "le shock et l'awe” of American
capturing of the tyrant Bush from his spider hole near his
ranch in Crawford, Texas, and who celebrated wildly
when Chirac was reelected in November 2004 (Part 5), are
beginning to share in the some
of the sacrifices of the war.
Rising energy prices caused
by the war, particularly in major cities; higher interest
rates due to skyrocketing budget deficits; and a shortage of
troops at home to cope with natural disasters, like the
recent one at the Port du Orléans, has suddenly awakened
the “c'est la vie” French to the price they are now paying
for their ignorance and apathy.
But sympathy for the French
people is slim around the world, and the sentiment shared by
many is “let them eat cake” as the reward
for their ignorance.
With Chirac's popularity
in steep decline and the mood of the people souring, the
French Parliament today has stepped up, found its voice and
repealed an earlier resolution, changing the name
“Freedom Cheese” back to plain old “American Cheese.”
The compliant French media
praised Parliament for its courage and wisdom, taking on
such important and courageous legislation despite the
political consequences during these difficult times.
On French television, late
night comedians said the Parliament should have
renamed it “wimpy cheese,”
And so, the once great
American society, which has given the world wonderful
inventions, art, music, literature, architecture and
medicine, has all but been destroyed.
United States Constitution, written back in 1787, which has
for over 200 years been the centerpiece of American justice
and a model for many people around world, has all but been
sent to the dustbin of history.
But the good news is that
a new, French-inspired constitution, cobbled together under
occupation, to create a Parliamentary-style coalition
government, will emerge.
“With the abolition of the
old US constitution, the American people will never have
rigged elections with an
archaic Electoral College
system, like the kind that brought the
tyrant George W. Bush to power in 2000. And soon we
will ring in a new era of democracy, not only for the US,
but for all of North America as well,” Chirac
But with its eclectic mix
of religious and ethnic groups, races, nationalities and
political affiliations, Americans have been at odds when it
comes to agreeing on a new French-inspired constitution that
would satisfy the needs of the vast array of groups in the
Chirac, the media, and
especially the French people have difficulty understanding,
as Rodney King once
alluded, “why can't
these Americans just get
With French deaths now
exceeding 2,000 and over
15,000 wounded, French soldiers tired, weary and eager to
come home, the withdrawal of a number of countries in the
coalition of the willing, and growing
hatred for France
around the world, Chirac's “Mission Accomplished” may
soon be referred to as
writes essays exclusively for Information Clearing
) and contributes his time and efforts as a private citizen,
with the hope of encouraging readers to think more broadly
about the important issues that threaten the peace and
security of the world community. He welcomes all civil
feedback, whether positive or negative, which should be sent
http://www.jerryghinelli.com for more information.