Satire - France Invades U.S. (Part 9)


Mission Accomplished


 (Parts 1-8 click here


By Jerry Ghinelli


10/19/05  "ICH " -- -- French President Jacques Chirac’s divinely inspired mission to free the American people from the brutal repressive regime of former US President George W Bush and bring French-style democracy to America, has begun to suffer political and economic consequences at home, and military setbacks abroad as Operation American Freedom, now in its third year, remains “unaccomplished.

Although Operation American Freedom was initially blessed by a passive French Parliament and cheered on by a compliant media, which eagerly supported Chirac’s military action to rid the US of illegal weapons—thus guaranteeing peace and security for France, its neighbors and allies—the mission has now stalled, according to worldwide opinion. 


Launched back in March of 2003, France’s invasion of the US has been plagued by an unexpected American insurgency and skyrocketing financial costs. 


Chirac expected the invasion to be a “cakewalk”; that the Americans would welcome French liberation forces with “candy and flowers.” After all, the Americans, Chirac suggested , were defeated by “ragtag” Vietnamese guerillas wearing sandals, and were thought unable or unwilling to fight any country, during the past 60 years, that had greater than a third-world status.


But the bravery and honor of the American people has bogged down the superior French and German coalition forces, and the dreaded “cut and run“—or, rather, “declare victory and leave”—is starting to creep into the French psyche.


Chirac insists, however, that the insurgency in the US is represented by only a small element of freedom-hating evildoers, and he states emphatically that it is in “its final throes.” Chirac refers to the American insurgents as religious fanatics, extremists and terrorists who can’t stand freedom. He continues to insist that we must fight the evildoers over there in America so we don't have to fight them over here in France.


Chirac made a similar pronouncement back on May 1, 2003 (Part 1), when he landed on the aircraft carrier Napoleon and declared that major combat operations in America had ended, and France’s mission had been accomplished. 


Here is an excerpt from what Chirac stated at that time:

"Operation American Freedom was carried out with a combination of precision and speed and boldness the enemy did not expect, and the world had not seen before. From distant bases or ships at sea, we sent planes and missiles that could destroy an enemy division, or strike a single bunker. Marines and soldiers charged across 350 miles of hostile ground, in one of the swiftest advances of heavy arms in history. You have shown the world the skill and the might of our Armed Forces."

Vive la France!

Critics charge that sending planes and missiles “from distant bases” against the poor, defenseless American people in an unprovoked invasion was a cowardly act of state-sponsored, high-tech terrorism. Chirac insists that  the American insurgents who attack the French with their crude weapons—often concealed under their clothes, or in their broken-down cars—are the real cowards.

“Firing missiles from distant aircraft carriers is precision warfare, and the resulting deaths are but an unfortunate act of collateral damage. Using cheap, home-made weapons and your body as a missile is cowardly, and death resulting from these primitive and barbaric weapons is nothing short of murder,” explained Chirac.

French liberation forces have had to cope with this primitive insurgency, which has caused the deaths of over 2,000 of their best and bravest, and over 15,000 more wounded. American casualties are estimated to number over 100,000, but this is unofficial, since the French “do not do” American body counts.

Chirac still insists that the American insurgency to expel the French is winding down, isolated only to the “Dixie Triangle” (Virginia, Florida, and Texas) and waged solely by fundamentalist Christians and Jews who can't stand French-style democracy and jealous of the freedoms enjoyed by the French, 


Both Christian and Jewish insurgents are committing acts of terror and revenge not only on French liberation forces, but on their own citizens as well.


Chirac claims that the mayhem is mainly the work of one man: the diabolical, one-legged leader of the American resistance, a Jewish insurgent by the name of Ari Moshe al-Zionawi


Despite his one leg, the fact that he has been wounded several times and has lost hundreds of his lieutenants, Zionawi is cunning, almost magical in his prowess, and always escapes capture in a way reminiscent of the cartoon character, the Road Runner (beep beep)


But the French media portray the bearded Zionawi not as a cartoon character, but as fiendishly evil and very sinister-looking, with a yarmulke on his head and a Star of David around his neck. 


However, some allege that Zionawi is, in fact, an imaginary character, cooked up by French intelligence agents, a propaganda invention or, more aptly, nonsense. Some charge it is nothing more than a stunt to personify the American insurgency with an “evil,” “scary” face, and this characterization, they claim, is both silly and anti-Semitic. 


Nonetheless, Chirac has upped the reward for his capture—dead or alive—from 25 to 50 million euros. Chirac justifies the increase as necessary, because  25 million euros "was no longer considered a sufficient enough motivator to bring him to justice." Comedians joke that the increased reward money is necessary, for catching ghosts is not as easy as it used to be.


Chirac also claims that foreign-born terrorists from Canada and Mexico, along with Israeli and British fighters, are infiltrating the US and supporting the American insurgents against the French and their German “coalition of the willing” partners.


Israel’s General Ariel Sharon and British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who remain in Chirac’s crosshairs—or, more appropriately, in his axis of evil—have steadfastly denied this accusation. The French and Germans also claim that the Israelis and British are both in possession of nuclear, biological and chemical weapons, and demand they allow inspectors entry or they will face “serious consequences,” just like the US, said Chirac.


British Prime Minister Tony Blair, the primary "spoke" in Chirac’s axis of evil, has strongly  denied attempting to obtain nuclear weapons, claiming that British research is for peaceful purposes only. Blair has refused German and French weapons inspectors entry into the UK to gain unimpeded access to suspected weapons sites. Understandably, the British are weary of the Germans, who terrorized London in the 1940s, and the French, with whom they have been at odds for centuries.


Germany has also created British “no-fly zones,” and repeatedly bombed British command and control sites throughout the United Kingdom. Blair insists that the resolve of the British people will resist French and German aggression, and has called the inspections of his country illegal and hypocritical. France is a nuclear power and possesses hundreds, if not thousands, of nuclear weapons, and Germany refuses to confirm or deny its nuclear arsenal, but many suspect it is  a nuclear power as well.


Mainly concerned with the hundreds of billions of euros spent and only the French soldiers who have been killed, the mood of the people of France is beginning to sour. 


A majority of the French, who thoroughly enjoyed the "le shock et l'awe” of American cities, the capturing of the tyrant Bush from his spider hole near his ranch in Crawford, Texas, and who celebrated wildly when Chirac was reelected in November 2004 (Part 5), are beginning to share in the some of the sacrifices of the war.


Rising energy prices caused by the war, particularly in major cities; higher interest rates due to skyrocketing budget deficits; and a shortage of troops at home to cope with natural disasters, like the recent one at the Port du Orléans, has suddenly awakened the “c'est la vie” French to the price they are now paying for their ignorance and apathy.


But sympathy for the French people is slim around the world, and the sentiment shared by many is “let them eat cake” as the reward for their ignorance.


With Chirac's popularity in steep decline and the mood of the people souring, the French Parliament today has stepped up, found its voice and repealed an earlier resolution, changing the name “Freedom Cheese” back to plain old “American Cheese.”


The compliant French media praised Parliament for its courage and wisdom, taking on such important and courageous legislation despite the political consequences during these difficult times.


On French television, late night comedians said the Parliament should have renamed it “wimpy cheese,” after themselves.


And so, the once great American society, which has given the world wonderful inventions, art, music, literature, architecture and medicine, has all but been destroyed. 


The precious United States Constitution, written back in 1787, which has for over 200 years been the centerpiece of American justice and a model for many people around world, has all but been sent to the dustbin of history. 


But the good news is that a new, French-inspired constitution, cobbled together under occupation, to create a Parliamentary-style coalition government, will emerge.


“With the abolition of the old US constitution, the American people will never have rigged elections with an archaic Electoral College system, like the kind that brought the tyrant George W. Bush to power in 2000. And soon we will ring in a new era of democracy, not only for the US, but for all of North America as well,” Chirac added.


But with its eclectic mix of religious and ethnic groups, races, nationalities and political affiliations, Americans have been at odds when it comes to agreeing on a new French-inspired constitution that would satisfy the needs of the vast array of groups in the United States


Chirac, the media, and especially the French people have difficulty understanding, as Rodney King once alluded, “why can't these Americans just get along?


With French deaths now exceeding 2,000 and over 15,000 wounded, French soldiers tired, weary and eager to come home, the withdrawal of a number of countries in the coalition of the willing, and growing hatred for France around the world, Chirac's “Mission Accomplished” may soon be referred to as  “Mission Impossible.”


Jerry Ghinelli writes essays exclusively for Information Clearing House ( ) and contributes his time and efforts as a private citizen, with the hope of encouraging readers to think more broadly about the important issues that threaten the peace and security of the world community. He welcomes all civil feedback, whether positive or negative, which should be sent to  or visit for more information.

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