Military Action to Remove Blix "Last Resort," White House Hints
By Andy Borowitz

Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld hinted today that the White House would be amenable to exile for weapons inspection chief Hans Blix in exchange for his agreeing to stop looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

“Every time the U.N. weapons inspectors find some old warhead or something, they use that as an excuse to say that the weapons inspections are ‘working’ and should continue,” Mr. Rumsfeld said. “All I can say to Mr. Hans Blix is, you’ve got to get up pretty darn early in the morning to fool Donald H. Rumsfeld.”

Many in the international community were confused by Secretary Rumsfeld’s remarks blasting the U.N. team, since the purpose of the weapons inspectors’ mission in Iraq was, presumably, to look for things.

But even as Mr. Rumsfeld’s remarks rippled through diplomatic circles, White House sources acknowledged that the Bush administration was considering postponing military action against Iraq’s Saddam Hussein -- and might use its forces in the Persian Gulf to oust Hans Blix instead.

“War against Hans Blix is definitely on the table, but it’s really the last resort,” one White House source said. “We would definitely prefer forcing him into exile, possibly to some other world body like the World Wrestling Federation.”

At the White House, Mr. Bush himself offered a stern warning to Mr. Blix and his U.N. team.

“I’m a patient man,” Mr. Bush said. “But if you insist on continuing to look for things you’re supposed to be looking for, you’ll see how quickly my patience runs thin.”