When we last left them, our heroes, Bush Wayne and his
trusted companion, Dick Grayson-Cheney, were heading east to
Iran to hunt for weapons of mass destruction, free the
Iranian people from the axis of evil and bring
American-style democracy to all the good people of the
Middle East.
But tired and weary from fighting their divinely inspired
wars for truth, justice, freedom and the American way, the
boys took a detour and headed back to their ranch in
Crawford, Texas, for a well-deserved break from their
international crime-fighting spree.
Now fresh and well-rested after their year-long vacation,
our valiant crusaders—oil executives by day, freedom
fighters by night—return to the world stage once again as:
Batman and Robin: The Caped Crusaders in a Comic
Book War
... Last seen driving north to an undisclosed location in
Washington, DC, our caped crusaders stopped along the
Interstate to fill up the Batmobile.
”Good grief, Batman, did you get a look at the price of
gas?”
“Yes, Robin, my trusted CEO, but higher oil prices are a
necessary evil in fighting wars on evil.”
“Holy Halliburton, Batman, greed is good!”
“No, Robin, greed works. Remember oil executives are a
generous lot who reinvest the profits we earn to defeat
those evildoers who despise the freedoms we enjoy.”
“Like the freedoms we enjoy to earn enormous profits and get
tax breaks as well, Batman?”
“Precisely, Robin. We invest the windfall, which stimulates
the economy, which creates more jobs and helps us build
better, more sophisticated weapons that ‘shock and awe’
fiendish villains like Saddam the Joker and his coterie of
evildoers, Dr Germ, Chemical Ali and the Comical Baghdad
Bob—those dastardly, diabolical rogues in our deck of 52
cards.”
“Holy one-eyed Jack, Batman, you dealt the Joker a ‘Royal
Flush’ and swoosh! flushed him right down the toilet!”
“I'll say, Robin, a Joker's Poker you might add, but let's
not be too harsh, my friend; remember our Judeo-Christian
values.”
“You’re right, Batman, we are good Christians... but holy
Christ, $75 to fill up the Batmobile...
can we write this off?”
“No, Robin. You see, all good Americans must share in the
sacrifices necessary to succeed in this war on terror.
Attendant, may I also have a ‘Freedom Isn't Free’ magnet for
the bumper of my new Batmobile? The red, white and blue one
is preferred, thank you. Hmm… Made in China? Oh, well. But
thank you, sir, and please remember to tell all the good
Americans to show off their sacrifices to other drivers, by
proudly displaying these magnets on their SUVs as well.
Keep the change…”
Vroom, screech, whoosh...
“Jeepers, Batman! Sorry, but I almost forgot to tell you:
while we were on vacation, the wicked witch of the south,
the evil diabolical daughter of the Kat Women, that princess
of darkness, the fiendish—Kategory 5—Katrina, the Kat Girl,
returned with fury and gave the ‘Big Easy’ quite a rough
time. That femme fatale spared no one; she soaked the rich
and drowned the poor, a real equal opportunity villainess.”
“No need to apologize, Robin; remember, as I always say,
better late than never. Let's get ‘Brownie’ on the Bat phone
and offer our assistance.”
Ring, Ring...
“Hello, this is Michael Brown. I am relaxing at the moment;
please leave a brief message after the tone.”
Beep...
“Brownie, Batman and Robin here. Just got the news that New
Orleans is underwater. Not to worry, though; help is on the
way. The Bat Sub should arrive in about a week with some
scuba gear and snorkeling masks. You’re doing a heck of a
job, Brownie. Stay dry!”
Batman, you’re truly a “bleeding heart” conservative,
helping all those poor people down south, without… shall we
say…a ‘fair
complexion’.”
“Yes, but as you know, Robin, I can relate to all the people
of color. Ever notice that when I don my mask, I’m black?”
“Right on, Batman.”
“And did you realize our popularity with African Americans
has just doubled? From 1% to 2%!”
“A landslide! I love
the new fuzzy math, Batman.”
“Precisely. I learned it at Florida State, class of 2000.”
“Holy hanging chads.”
“Holy Masquerade, my friend. But we mustn't waste any more
time here in the US on domestic issues, Robin; there is work
to be done abroad. We must head to the Middle East and fight
the evildoers over there so we don't have to fight them over
here. Hurry!”
Whiz, roar, vroom, lift-off
“Should we return to the Middle East disguised as just plain
American oil executives Bush Wayne and Dick Grayson-Cheney,
so we could blend in more easily, Batman?”
“No, Dick—I mean, Robin; our mission is not about oil this
time, it's about disarming the villains who want to turn
smoking guns into mushroom clouds. You see, Robin, the
people there are brainwashed by these villains, then
reprogrammed and taught to hate America because we’re good
and they’re not. We need to liberate these unfortunate
people from the negative influences of dastardly villains
like Osama the Riddler.”
“But the Riddler hasn’t been seen since the 2004 election,
when his video helped us defeat the Flip Flopper, his
Ketchup Widow and their video producer, the Fat Man Mr.
Freeze Fahrenheit -32.”
“Yes, Robin. Just in the nick of time, the
Riddler’s last video,
on election eve,
doomed the Flip Flopper and his running mate, the
Breck Girl.”
“I guess there’s good in all people, even Osama the
Riddler—right, Batman?”
“No, Robin, not quite. The Riddler crafts his riddles in
mysterious ways. Helping us defeat the Flip Flopper and get
us elected helps him to recruit more fiends who hate our
freedoms, like—”
“No! You don't mean the mythical, magical, manipulator of
mayhem—The Invisible Man, aBoo Zarqawi, do you?”
“Yes, Robin, I’m afraid so. That dastardly, diabolical,
elusive, foreign-born phantom villain who escapes more often
than Harry Houdini, has more lives than a cat, and has been
wounded more times than Flip Flopper, has returned once
again as the diabolical mastermind behind the evil Iraqi
insurgency.
“While Osama the Riddler produces videos and Saddam the
Joker writes romance novels, The Invisible Man, Zarqawi, has
become an Internet wizard—and part-time spammer—who
communicates to his army of insurgents without electricity,
phone lines or even a cable modem.
“His wizardry is so technologically sophisticated that his
network cannot be traced or detected, even by our vast
resources.
“Now if we could only locate his Internet Service Provider
or his website...
“I got it! Robin, quick, boot up the Bat Computer! Go to
Google and type in ‘The Invisible Man Zarqawi’... Click on
‘I'm Feeling Lucky’.”
“Got it, Batman! His website is called jihadists-R-us.com.”
“Great, Robin! Now go there and click ‘About Us’.”
“Bingo! We got him! It says ‘Insurgents needed, send resume
(in confidence) to: Spider Hole 2, Fallujah, Iraq. Allah
Akbar!’”
“Let's head to the ‘Liberated and Pacified’ Fallujah, Robin,
and bring The Invisible Man to justice.”
“Should we then ‘detain’ him at Abu Ghraib, Batman?”
“No, that would be too harsh, my friend. Remember, we are
compassionate conservatives. He’ll be more comfortable in a
spider hole in the tropical confines of Guantanamo Bay.”
“You are truly a man of conscience, Batman.”
“Yes, Robin. There we can play tricks and harmless pranks on
all these villains to gain the necessary information
needed to thwart their evil intentions
in our divinely inspired war on terror. This is the new
American Way, and the righteous thing to do. Then, as a
reward for their
cooperation, we’ll send them off
with a one-way first class ticket to paradise, where they
can meet their
seventy-two virgins.”
“Holy Geneva Conventions, Batman, does it work?”
“Of course it works, Robin, and when we eventfully capture
Osama the Riddler and send him off to Paradise as well, the
War on Terror will be won and our Mission Accomplished.”
“But won't other evildoers follow, Batman?”
“No, Robin. American democracy will transform the region and
our Muslim brothers and sisters will shower us and our
Israeli friends with
candy and flowers... then we all can live happily ever after
in this comic book world.
“And as for our brave soldiers fighting in this War on
Terror—somewhere over the rainbow—they too can then
return home, simply by
tapping the
heels of their combat boots together
three times and saying: ‘There's no place like home,
there’s no place like home’ ”
Jerry Ghinelli writes essays exclusively for Information
Clearing House (
www.informationclearinghouse.info
) and contributes his time and efforts as a private citizen,
with the hope of encouraging readers to think more broadly
about the important issues that threaten the peace and
security of the world community. He welcomes all civil
feedback, whether positive or negative, which should be sent
to
email@jerryghinelli.com
or visit
http://www.jerryghinelli.com
for more information.
