NEWS YOU WON'T FIND ON CNN

Caped Crusaders in a Comic Book War

 

(Volume 2)  

 

By Jerry Ghinelli

 

06/08/06 "Information Clearing House" -- -- When we last left them, our heroes, Bush Wayne and his trusted companion, Dick Grayson-Cheney, were heading east to Iran to hunt for weapons of mass destruction, free the Iranian people from the axis of evil and bring American-style democracy to all the good people of the Middle East. 

 

But tired and weary from fighting their divinely inspired wars for truth, justice, freedom and the American way, the boys took a detour and headed back to their ranch in Crawford, Texas, for a well-deserved break from their international crime-fighting spree.

 

Now fresh and well-rested after their year-long vacation, our valiant crusaders—oil executives by day, freedom fighters by night—return to the world stage once again as:

 

Batman and Robin: The Caped Crusaders in a Comic Book War

                                                                         

 ... Last seen driving north to an undisclosed location in Washington, DC, our caped crusaders stopped along the Interstate to fill up the Batmobile.

 

”Good grief, Batman, did you get a look at the price of gas?” 

 

“Yes, Robin, my trusted CEO, but higher oil prices are a necessary evil in fighting wars on evil.”

 

“Holy Halliburton, Batman, greed is good!” 

 

“No, Robin, greed works. Remember oil executives are a generous lot who reinvest the profits we earn to defeat those evildoers who despise the freedoms we enjoy.”

 

“Like the freedoms we enjoy to earn enormous profits and get tax breaks as well, Batman?”

 

“Precisely, Robin. We invest the windfall, which stimulates the economy, which creates more jobs and helps us build better, more sophisticated weapons that ‘shock and awe’ fiendish villains like Saddam the Joker and his coterie of evildoers, Dr Germ, Chemical Ali and the Comical Baghdad Bob—those dastardly, diabolical rogues in our deck of 52 cards.”

 

“Holy one-eyed Jack, Batman, you dealt the Joker a ‘Royal Flush’ and swoosh… away go troubles down the drain!”  

 

“I'll say, Robin, a Joker's Poker you might add, but let's not be too harsh, my friend; remember our Judeo-Christian values.”

 

“You’re right, Batman, we are good Christians... but holy freakin’ Christ, $95 to fill up the Batmobile... can we write this off?”

 

“No, Robin. You see, all good Americans must share in the sacrifices necessary to succeed in this war on terror. Attendant, may I also have a ‘Freedom Isn't Free’ magnet for the bumper of my new Batmobile? The red, white and blue one is preferred, thank you.  Hmm… Made in China? Oh, well. But thank you, sir, and please remember to tell all the good Americans to show off their sacrifices to other drivers, by proudly displaying these magnets on their SUVs as well.  Keep the change…”

 

Vroom, screech, whoosh...

 

“Jeepers, Batman! Sorry, but I almost forgot to tell you: while we were on vacation, the wicked witch of the south, the evil diabolical daughter of the Kat Women, that princess of darkness, the fiendish—Kategory 5—Katrina, the Kat Girl, returned with fury and gave the ‘Big Easy’ quite a rough time. That femme fatale spared no one; she soaked the rich and drowned the poor, a real equal opportunity villainess.”

 

“No need to apologize, Robin; remember, as I always say, better late than never. Let's get ‘Brownie’ on the Bat phone and offer our assistance.”

 

Ring, Ring...

 

“Hello, this is Michael Brown. I am relaxing at the moment; please leave a brief message after the tone.”

 

Beep...

 

“Brownie, Batman and Robin here. Just got the news that New Orleans is underwater. Not to worry, though; help is on the way. The Bat Sub should arrive in about a week with some scuba gear and snorkeling masks. You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie. Stay dry!”

 

Batman, you’re truly a “bleeding heart” conservative, helping all those poor people down south, without… shall we say…a ‘fair complexion’.”

 

“Yes, but as you know, Robin, I can relate to all the people of color. Ever notice that when I don my mask, I’m black?”

 

“Right on, Batman.”

 

“And did you realize our popularity with African Americans has just doubled? From 1% to 2%!”

 

“A landslide! I love the new fuzzy math, Batman.”

 

“Precisely. I learned it at Florida State, class of 2000.”

 

“Holy hanging chads.”

 

“Holy Katherine Harris, my friend. But we mustn't waste any more time here in the US on domestic issues, Robin; there is work to be done abroad. We must head to the Middle East and fight the evildoers over there so we don't have to fight them over here. Hurry!”

 

 Whiz, roar, vroom, lift-off

 

“Should we return to the Middle East disguised as just plain American oil executives Bush Wayne and Dick Grayson-Cheney, so we could blend in more easily, Batman?”

 

“No, Dick—I mean, Robin; our mission is not about oil this time, it's about disarming the villains who want to turn smoking guns into mushroom clouds. You see, Robin, the people there are brainwashed by these villains, then reprogrammed and taught to hate America because we’re good and they’re not. We need to liberate these unfortunate people from the negative influences of dastardly villains like Osama the Riddler.”

 

“But the Riddler hasn’t been seen since the 2004 election, when his video helped us defeat the Flip Flopper, his Ketchup Widow and their video producer, the Fat Man Mr. Freeze Fahrenheit -32.”

 

“Yes, Robin. Just in the nick of time, the Riddler’s last video, on election eve, doomed the Flip Flopper and his running mate, the Breck Girl.”

 

“I guess there’s good in all people, even Osama the Riddler—right, Batman?”

 

“No, Robin, not quite. The Riddler crafts his riddles in mysterious ways. Helping us defeat the Flip Flopper and get us elected helps him to recruit more fiends who hate our freedoms, like—”

 

“No! You don't mean the mythical, magical, mastermind of mayhem—The Invisible Man, al-Zarqawi, do you?”

 

“Yes, Robin, I’m afraid so. That dastardly, diabolical, elusive, brilliant foreign-born phantom villain who, in his New Balance sneakers and his white pick-up truck, escapes more often than Harry Houdini, has more lives than a cat, and has been wounded more times than Flip Flopper, has returned as the diabolical mastermind behind the evil Iraqi insurgency.

 

“While Osama the Riddler produces videos and Saddam the Joker writes romance novels, The Invisible Man, Zarqawi, has become an Internet wizard—and part-time spammer—who communicates to his army of insurgents through his website even without electricity, phone lines or a cable modem.

 

“His wizardry is so technologically sophisticated that his network cannot be traced or detected, even by our vast resources. 

 

“Now if we could only locate his Internet Service Provider or his website...

 

“I got it! Robin, quick, boot up the Bat Computer! Go to Google and type in ‘The Invisible Man Zarqawi’... Click on ‘I'm Feeling Lucky’.”

 

“Got it, Batman! His website is called jihadists-R-us.com.”

 

“Great, Robin! Now go there and click ‘About Us’.”

 

“Bingo! We got him! It says ‘Insurgents needed, send resume (in confidence) to: Safe House 2, North Baghdad, Iraq. Allah Akbar!’” 

 

“Let's head to North Baghdad, Robin, and send The Invisible Man al-Zarqawi to paradise.”

 

Pow, Boom, Zap...

 

“We got him, Batman… Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead.”

 

“But what should we do with his army of evildoers, ‘detain’ them at Abu Ghraib, Batman?”

 

“No, that would be too harsh, my friend. Remember, we are compassionate conservatives. They’ll be more comfortable in spider holes in the tropical confines of Guantanamo Bay.”

 

“You are truly a man of conscience, Batman.”

 

“Yes, Robin. There we can play tricks and harmless pranks on all these villains to gain the necessary information needed to thwart their evil intentions in our divinely inspired war on terror. This is the new American Way, and the righteous thing to do. Then, as a reward for their cooperation, we’ll send them off too with a one-way first class tickets to paradise, where they can reunite with Zarqawi and marry their seventy-two virgins.”

 

“Holy Geneva Conventions, Batman, does it work?”

 

“Of course it works, Robin, and when we eventfully capture Osama the Riddler and send him off to Paradise as well, the War on Terror will finally be won and our Mission Accomplished.”

 

“But won't other evildoers like Lex Luthor follow them, Batman?”

 

“No, Robin. American democracy will transform the region and our Muslim brothers and sisters will shower us and the Israeli liberators with candy and flowers... then we all will live happily ever after in this comic book world.

 

“And as for our brave soldiers fighting in this War on Terror—somewhere over the rainbow—now that Zarqawi has been vaporized, soon they will be coming home, simply by  tapping the heels of their combat boots together three times and saying: ‘There's no place like home, there’s no place like home’ …”

 

The end.

 

Jerry Ghinelli writes essays exclusively for Information Clearing House and contributes his time and efforts as a private citizen, with the hope of encouraging readers to think more broadly about the important issues that threaten the peace and security of the world community. He welcomes all intelligent feedback, whether positive or negative, which should be sent to jerryghinelli@earthlink.net, or visit http://www.jerryghinelli.com

Copyright: Jerry Ghinelli. All rights reserved. You may republish under the following conditions: An active link to the original publication must be provided. You must not alter, edit or remove any text within the article, including this copyright notice.

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