This guy is probably shameless enough to claim authorship of ``Primary Colors.''

O'Reilly, the Joe Isuzu of journalism, has essentially ripped off eight years of reporting by The Tampa Tribune's Michael Fechter while claiming to be some sort of moralist arbiter of professional ethics.

``Believe me when I tell you: Any intellectual dishonesty on the part of any powerful press person in this country will be exposed on `The Factor,' '' declared journalism's answer to Willie Sutton as his TV show aired the other day over the Deutschland uber Ailes Network.

Sigh.

Oh, yoo hoo! Mr. O'Reilly? When are you going to start with yourself?

This guy claiming to be a standard bearer of intellectual honesty is like Heidi Fleiss pretending to be a spokeswoman for virginity.

Standing Alone?!

After the federal indictment last week of the University of South Florida's Sami Al-Arian, O'Reilly, who's like William F. Buckley with rabies, insisted he was the first person to break the story of the professor's alleged ties to the terrorist Palestinian Islamic Jihad.

The claim was predicated on an appearance by Al-Arian on the Witch Trial Network shortly after Sept. 11, 2001, in which the Torquemada of television castigated the professor over his supposed connections to Middle Eastern bad guys.

Let's put it this way: It was not an ``American Idol'' moment for Al-Arian. Gary Condit came off as a more credible public figure.

Yes, indeed, Al-Arian's national interview had an incendiary effect, which quickly led to his suspension from campus by USF President Judy Genshaft.

``Thus, we stood alone on Sami Al- Arian,'' preened the Oliver Cromwell of mass communications.

Drivel.

`` `We' stood alone?'' Oh, really? Do you have a mouse in your pocket, Bill, or is that your Rush Limbaugh Wannabe Club decoder ring?

What the Bubba the Love Sponge of Self-Promotion always conveniently forgets to tell his viewers is that he used material from years of reporting by Fechter about the USF/Palestinian Islamic Jihad connection to prepare for his interview with Al-Arian.

Maybe O'Reilly, the Penn (& Teller!) of chitchat, missed those pieces while he was busy anchoring ``Inside Edition'' and those fast-breaking news stories about Madonna's breast cones.

Like the rest of his colleagues on the Crock Network, the Clifford Irving of coaxial cable can't be bothered to credit Fechter's dogged reporting while claiming to have broken the Al- Arian story nationally.

Oh, Bartender!

Did O'Reilly, the Piltdown Man of Rupert Murdoch's media empire, provide some national attention to the story? Sure. No problem there. How nice for the No Spittle Zone.

But ranting and raving and conducting a few foaming-at-the-mouth interviews with the usual subjects about Middle Eastern terrorism is not the same thing as reporting, advancing a story.

Or, put another way, the Nathan Thurm of talking heads couldn't carry Fechter's typewriter ribbon.

O'Reilly arrived at the conclusion the other day that a sort of war had broken out between what he described as the elite media - which consists of people who think he's a creepy, sleazy, insecure guy who isn't man enough to give credit where credit is due - and the so-called ``free media,'' which is supposed to be him.

Alas, the Joe Pyne of Whine is wrong again.

There is nothing remotely ``free'' about the Morton Downey Jr. Lite Network. It is a cable channel. Ergo, when you write a check for your cable bill, you are paying to have access to Bill O'Reilly and his Froth Factor.

And if taking note of his misappropriation of someone else's work product makes those of us on the ink- stained wretch side of the news business ``elitists,'' well, what can you say except: ``Oh, bartender? Another beer, please! And some bar nuts, too.''