Land Of Opportunists

“I hope their families got some of that subsidized Hugo Chavez heating oil. Looks like they's gonna need it,” laughed Circuit City CEO Philip J. Schoonover. “But shit, we sure got the Great American Bald Lemming cowed. K-Rist! Our managers told them they was fired and the little fuckers just took off their smocks, lined up, put their heads down and filed right on out the fuckin’ store.”

Outside Army recruiters were picking off the dazed and soon to be destitute newly unemployed like the Hurok picking off salmon at the mouth of the Klamath. “Blow me for a five spot. Love me long time Ready for buzz saw Iraq, soldier. Ready for ‘Despah-wation Eye-Wacki Fweedumb.’,” a burly recruiter imitating Elmer Fudd taunted.

Nothing Personal, But Don’t Let The Door Hit You In Your Ass On The Way Out

The company said the dismissals had nothing to do with performance but were part of a larger effort to improve the bottom line. The firings represent about 9 percent of the company's in-store workforce of 40,000.

"Retail is very competitive and our executive team just isn’t up to the task, so we gotta cut somewhere," said Jim Babb, a Circuit City spokesman. "We deeply regret the negative impact that was had on these folks. It’s no fault of theirs that mongoloids run this company. But as long as the American worker will take this shit, we’ll fuckin’ keep dishing it out."

The company gave the dismissed workers severance pay and told them that after 10 weeks they were free to apply for any openings at there old starting wage they received right out of high school. Employees reached by a reporter said they were notified yesterday morning and told to leave immediately.

The employees were also told that their group dental program which is paid for by the employees had been looted by company executives and that employees should leave all of their bridge, braces and retainers in a pile in aisle 7. “Like I said. If the workers want to eat shit, we’ll pile it on for them,” Babb told the Assassinated Press.

Ditto the eye plan so a mound of eye glasses, contact lenses and cornea transplants stood just inside the rear exit.

The firings, along with several other moves, are expected to put $110 million in fiscal year 2008 and $140 million a year starting in fiscal 2009 into the pockets of the CEO, the board, massage parlors, judges, lobbyists, sports betting, Congress, green fees, the Executive Branch and major stockholders. Circuit City said sales would be volatile for the next several months as the company tries to identify employees who know how to open the stores and run the registers.

"It's definitely going to have some cost-savings, but I think the bigger impact could be seen is that all important weaker service which the modern corporation counts on to frustrate consumers trying to return inferior GATT and NAFTA manufactured products produced using international slave labor and as a consequence aren’t worth shit," said Timothy Allen, an analyst with Jefferies & Co. "I have a feeling the people they're letting go have probably been there longer, have more experience, more product knowledge, stuff that should help them to survive on the streets."

Steven Rash, 24, said he was one of 11 workers fired at a Circuit City in Asheville, N.C. The store manager broke the news during a meeting at 8:15 a.m. and they were escorted out of the store. Rash said he has worked for the retailer for seven years yet was one of the most junior members of the affected group.

He said he earned the outrageous sum of $11.59 an hour and worked from 15 to 20 hours a week. He received four weeks of severance pay. Though he has a full-time job at Bank of America, he said he needs to find part-time work to help pay his student loans. "It's not just a part-time job," he said. "It's about paying the bills."

“According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average hourly wage for retail salespeople was $11.14 in May 2005, the latest data available, and that little shit rash was earning 45 cents more an hour,” said Babb. “It’s obvious why we had to let him go. Fuck. It’ll take hundreds of that little fucks salary just to pay for Schoonover’s annual ‘get rid of the body of the raped and murdered waiter live skit’ at the Bohemian Grove this year.”

In comparison to Rash, Circuit City chief executive Philip J. Schoonover received a salary of $716,346, along with a $704,700 bonus last year. He also has long-term compensation of $3 million in stock awards and $340,000 in underlying options, according to company filings, barely enough to pay his green fees and club privileges at six world class country clubs.

Capitalist Realism

Circuit City also said it would outsource its information technology infrastructure operations to IBMs new branch in India, affecting 130 workers at Circuit City headquarters in Richmond. “We hope our actions won’t effect the high homicide rate in Richmond. Our ex-employees are good people. We feel confident that our personnel profiling weeded out any loose cannons before we hired them and only left us with the docile little freaks we let go today,” Schoonover told the board. “There ain’t no Alexander Berkmans anymore. American culture is designed to weed out people with character. All the Capitalist Realism in advertising and the movies.” About 50 people will be offered the opportunity to transfer to jobs at IBM Bombay, while the remainder will be let go after the transition is completed. Babb said he expected it would take several months.

Wackadoo, Wackadoo

And the company said it is exploring "strategic alternatives" for InterTan, an arm of its Canadian division that services tanning salons along the Polar Ice cap, including sale of the operation to a consortium of Emperor penguins. Last month, the retailer shut down distribution centers in Cape Stallworthy, Flat Creek, Yellow Snow, Eurka, Nuuk and Kangerlyssvaq and closed 55 international stores; it plans to shut down seven more in the United States.

The executives at the nation's second-largest electronics can’t compete with rival Best Buy and still get in 18 holes a day. And Wal-Mart has made an aggressive push into electronics as it retails components from mines left over from the U.S. Invasion of South East Asia swept up by DynCorps and wholesaled on international commodities markets and church swap meets. Wal Mart has also resumed smuggling immigrants across the Mexican border in body bags supplied by the CIA to the Guatemalan White Hand and the Salvadoran Treasury Police during the Reagan and Bush Senior eras. The three companies fought over the near dead bodies of their underpaid employee during the holiday season, slashing prices on flat-panel televisions, which hurt Circuit City's profit. “If our employees could only realize how lucky they are. They don’t know that if they were Guatemalan and worked for us, they’d probably be dead already,” Schoonover told the Assassinated Press.

Death Of A Salesman

The company, whose execs have been business failures for years, saved $130 million in 2003 by eliminating commissions for salespeople, instituting hourly rates and terminating 1,800 jobs.

Jose Macias, 27, of San Diego said he barely survived that round of cuts. His salary translated to $17.70 per hour, and employees who made more than $18 per hour were fired. But this time, he was not as lucky. He and four others at his store were let go yesterday, including one who had worked at Circuit City for 12 years.

"We had a feeling," Macias said. "There were a lot of rumors going around."

Macias said he was told employees who were paid more than 51 cents above a set pay range for their departments were fired. The cap on his full-time job in the computer department was $15.50 an hour. Mascia said he earned $18.72 an hour.

So Where’s Your Fuckin' Union, Tough Guy?

"I'm ticked off that they can just come at you from one day to another, no warning, and oh, you're gone," he said. "I dedicated seven years to them. Loyalty gets you nothing."

Stocks Up!

Shares closed yesterday at $19.23, up 31 cents, or 2 percent.