How To Blow It
It's the most winnable presidential election in American history
- but the Democrats are old hands at losing. Michael Moore
offers some helpful hints on how they might gift it all to the
Republicans.
By Michael Moore
0908/08 "The Guardian" -- -
"Let's snatch defeat from the
jaws of victory."
"We never met an election we'd like to win."
"Why get elected when you can be defeated!"
These have been the mantras of
the Democratic Party. Beginning with their stunning inability to
defeat the most detested politician in American history, Richard
Nixon, and continuing through their stunning inability to defeat
the most detested politician in the world, George II, the
Democrats are the masters of blowing it. And they don't just
simply "blow it" - they blow it especially when the electorate
seems desperate to give it to them.
After eight years of Ronald
Reagan in the Oval Office, the public had seen enough. The
Democrats chose Michael Dukakis as their nominee. Two months
before the election, he was ahead of Bush I in the polls. Then
he went to an army tank factory in Michigan, put on some kind of
stupid-fitting helmet and rode around in a tank with a goofy
smile on his face. Weeks later, when asked what kind of
punishment he would like to see given to someone who might rape
his wife, he started mumbling some sort of bleeding-heart
gibberish instead of just saying what anyone would say: "I'd
like to tear the bastard limb from limb!" The voters were so put
off by his wimpiness, they elected an actual wimp over him,
George H W Bush.
For years now, nearly every poll
has shown that the American people are right in sync with the
platform of the Democratic Party. They are pro-environment,
pro-women's rights, pro-choice, they don't like war, they want
the minimum wage raised, and they want a single-payer universal
healthcare system. The American public agrees with the
Republican Party on only one major issue: they support the death
penalty.
So you would think, with more
than 200 million eligible voters, the Dems would be cleaning up,
election after election. Obviously not. The Democrats appear to
be professional losers. They are so pathetic in their ability to
win elections, they even lose when they win! Al Gore won the
2000 election, but for some strange reason he didn't become the
president of the United States.
If you are unable as a party to
get the landlord to turn over the keys to a house that is yours,
what the hell good are you?
Well, in 2006, the Dems had a
come-to-Jesus meeting with themselves and, under the leadership
of Rahm Emanuel, won so many House seats, they just waltzed in
and took the place over. What a great day that was, seeing Nancy
Pelosi bang the gavel down to open Congress. And what was her
first act? To declare that any discussion of the impeachment of
George W Bush was verboten and no one was ever to bring it up
again. And that was that. It sent a clear message to Bush that
he could just keep doing what he'd been doing for the first six
years. The result? That's exactly what he did, with Congress
authorising every war funding bill he sent to them. How did the
American people respond? Congress's approval rating sank lower
than Bush's. How disgusting do you have to be to sink lower in
the public's eyes than a man who can't even successfully choke
himself on a pretzel?
So when you hear Democrats and
liberals and Obama supporters say they are worried McCain has a
good chance of winning, they ain't a-kidding. Who would know
better than the very people who have handed the Republicans one
election after another on a silver platter? Yes, be afraid, be
very afraid.
After the debacles of Iraq,
Katrina, gas prices, home foreclosures, our standing in the
world, the failure to capture Bin Laden, and revealing the
identity of a CIA agent in an act of revenge, it would seem that
Barack Obama should be on a cakewalk to 1600 Pennsylvania
Avenue. The man should be able to sleep his way through the rest
of the campaign season.
Ha! Think again. How many
Democrats does it take to lose the most easily winnable election
in American history? Not many. Just a few "close advisers" to
Barack Obama who tell him a bunch of asinine stuff and he ends
up listening to them instead of his own heart. As the party
hacks in the past two elections have proven, once they get the
candidate's ear, the rest of us might just as well order pizza
and stay inside for the next four years.
In an effort to help the party
doofuses and pundits - and the candidate - spare all of us
another suicide-inducing election night as the results giving
the election to the Republican pour in, here is the blueprint
from the Democrats' past losing campaigns. Just follow each of
these steps and you, the Democratic Party establishment, can
help elect John Sidney McCain III to a four-year extension of
the Bush Era:
Keep saying nice things
about McCain. Like how he's been "good on global
warming" and campaign finance. Keep reminding a country at war
that he and he alone is a war hero. Not to mention an all-round
good guy. Say that enough and what happens? The same thing that
happens when you repeat over and over, "Apply directly to the
forehead" - people start to believe it! You've sold them on the
idea that McCain isn't a bad egg, and they do not hear the rest
of what you have to say: "But John McCain is four more years of
George W Bush." If you keep saying he used to be a "maverick",
our less-attention-span citizens hear only the "maverick" part,
not the past tense verb included in that sentence.
This is not to say you should in
any way demean John McCain as a human being or as an American.
Disagreeing strongly with his policies or the direction he would
lead the country is not the same as denigrating him as a person.
This particular style of politics is the cesspool that the Right
and the Republican Party apparatus swim in. We do not further
our agenda by imitating them. Fight, fight back, and fight hard
- but fight clean. It's ultimately what I believe the majority
of Americans would like to see.
There is also nothing wrong with
saying nice things about McCain's constituency, and you should.
We want to hold out our hand to people who have voted for
Republicans in the past. Many of them are tired, a good number
are disgusted. They won't agree with a lot of what we stand for,
but they've had it up to here with the Republicans and we should
make sure our tent is big enough to welcome them in.
So if you want to help elect
McCain, keep blessing him as if he were the white knight who
accidentally hopped on the wrong horse. Forget to continually
point out that he is truly up to no good. Keep pulling your
punches. Don't remind people McCain wants to help the oil
companies even more than Bush did. Don't bring up that he wants
to outlaw all abortion. Back away from painting McCain as the
guy who thinks it's a good idea to stay in Iraq until pigs fly.
That way, if you keep praising him, you can send a mixed message
to the less-informed who are simply not going to figure it out.
When they walk into a voting booth, they will see two names on
the ballot:
· Barack Obama
· War Hero
Trust me, this ain't Sweden. War
Hero wins every time.
Have Obama pick a
vice-presidential candidate who is a conservative white guy, or
a general, or a Republican. Yes, it will seem like
smart politics at first. Shore up Obama's lack of military
experience with a hawk.
Be true to Obama's message that
he'll be a president for everybody by having him run with a
Republican.
Make a pitch to the purple
states of Virginia and Indiana to vote Democratic this time by
putting one of their own on the ticket.
Or swing for the fences and make
the red state of Ohio happy by handing the vice-presidential
slot to its governor.
But by doing any of this, you
will upset the base that not only must come out on election day,
it must also be active and work dozens of hours during the
campaign. They have to personally bring 10 people each to the
polls with them if we are to avoid the disasters of the past two
elections. Many won't do this extra work if Obama picks the
wrong Veep. It will suck the air out of the balloon in a big
way.
Obama electrified the nation on
the notion of change and hope and a fresh direction in
Washington. If he picks a running mate who screams "Same old
same old", it will make it harder for him to attract all the new
voters he needs to bring to the polls to win. Remember there are
nearly 100 million adults who choose not to vote. That is a
large base from which to draw millions of new votes. Obama
should not desert a strategy that has worked well for him.
There is nothing wrong with
picking someone who can help him win a swing state or someone
who has more experience than he does in certain areas. But when
I hear pundits say, "He has to pick a Catholic", well, John
Kerry was a total Catholic and the Catholic vote went to Mr W. I
mean, here's one of the largest groups in the country - 66
million Catholics - and they/we have allowed only one Catholic
to be president in 208 years. You would think they would have
been flocking to Kerry in 2004. That is not the way people
think. It is the way pundits think. Keep listening to them and
you can help elect John McCain the next president of the United
States.
Keep writing speeches
for Obama like the one in front of the American Israeli lobbying
group the day after the final primaries. Here's what he
said: "The danger from Iran is grave, it is real, and my goal
will be to eliminate this threat." And: "Let there be no doubt:
I will always keep the threat of military action on the table to
defend our security and our ally Israel. Sometimes there are no
alternatives to confrontation."
Sounds like a speech McCain
would give. Sounds like he's ready to invade Iran. He staked out
an even worse position for the Palestinians vis-a-vis Jerusalem
than the one held by George W Bush. Keep that up and more and
more supporters will be less and less enthused. It will be
harder to keep the base motivated if they continue to hear how
Obama wants to expand Bush's "faith-based" initiatives, doesn't
have a health plan that covers everyone, and wants to send more
troops to Afghanistan. The implied message of this is that the
Republican plan is a good plan. So why would voters want to
elect the candidate imitating the Republican when they can get
the real thing? Talk like this gets McCain elected.
Somehow forget that this
was a historic year for women and that there is more work to do.
Obama should be making a speech about gender like the brilliant
one he gave on race back in March. Millions of people,
especially women, had high hopes for the candidacy of Hillary
Clinton. Attention must be paid. And you don't pay attention to
it by having your advisers run your wife through the makeover
machine, trying to soften her up and pipe her down. Michelle
Obama has been one of the most refreshing things about this
election year. But within weeks of the end of the primary
season, the handlers stepped in to deal with the "Michelle
Problem". What problem? She speaks her mind? She wears what she
wants? She thought he was crazy to run for president and tried
to put her foot down? Only a crazy person would want her husband
and family to be chewed up and ground through the political
grist mill.
Michelle's biggest sin,
according to the punditocracy, was to say that, as a black
woman, this may be the first time in her adult life she's been
really proud of her country. Shock! Surprise! Outrage! But not
from any of the black women I know.
Barack Obama, outnumbered in his
household 3-1 by the female gender, has a lot at stake in making
sure that women's rights and opportunities are on a par with
men's. As one who knows what it's like to be in a class of
people who traditionally have not held power, he's in an
excellent position to speak to another group that has been left
out - women - and assure them that he will be their advocate.
Plus, this is just good
politics. Women vote by a larger margin than men. And if it
remains true that Obama will not carry the white male vote (as
most of the polls indicate he will not), then he simply cannot
win without capturing a strong majority of the female vote.
Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton both lost the white male vote but
won the White House. They did so by winning an overwhelming
percentage of the black, Hispanic and female vote. That has to
be Obama's strategy. Otherwise Cindy McCain will be our new
First Lady.
Show up to a gunfight
with a peashooter. Convince yourself that the
Republicans are just going to roll over and play dead because
there is simply no life left in their party. Convince yourself
this one is in the bag! Convince yourself that if you play by
the rules, the Republicans will, too. And when McCain and his
people roll out their nuclear arsenal on you, just go all sweet
and sensitive and logical. Believe that the truth shall prevail,
that good people will see what the Republicans are up to. As
they smear you, your family, your religious beliefs - cower,
back down, go on the defensive. Heck, if they don't like your
new I'm-running-for-president logo, denounce it, apologise for
it, and fire the person who designed it.
But don't stop there. Be ready
to jump and change anything at a moment's notice. If they ask
you to stand on your head and do the hokey-pokey, snap to it and
do it with a smile on your face and don't forget to apologise
for not doing the hokey-pokey earlier, you meant no disrespect
and please don't take it as any indication that you do not love
your country, your flag, and your Christian God.
Do all of that, and then listen
for that sound - the sound of your supporters shuffling away in
silence. Don't worry, though - they won't vote for McCain.
They'll just stop showing up at the campaign headquarters over
on Maple Street. They'll say they're too busy to go on another
three-hour door-to-door literature drop. They'll still take a
list of a hundred voters home to call and read the index card
over the phone about "why you should vote for Obama" - but there
won't be much enthusiasm in their voice, and the voter on the
other end of the line will hear that. After 15 or 20 calls,
they'll give up - after all, there's dishes to do and a dog to
walk. And on election day they'll go do their duty and vote, but
they will not be up at 6am driving around the city picking up
strangers who need a ride to the polls.
Denounce me!
The candidate Obama, at some point, might be asked this
question: "Michael Moore is a supporter of yours and has
endorsed you. But in his new book, Mike's Election Guide, he
says the following (go ahead and fill in the blank - I've
provided a full list of outrageously offensive lines already
taken out of context in advance to make it easy for rightwing
commentators and Fox News). Will you still accept his
endorsement or do you denounce him?"
And he better denounce me or
they will tear him to shreds. He had better back away not only
from me but from anyone and everyone who veers a bit too far to
the left of where his advisers have told him is the sweet spot
for all those red state voters.
We can't take four more years of
this madness. We need you to be a candidate who will fight back
every time they attack you. Actually, don't even wait till you
have to fight back. Fight first! Show some vision and courage
and smoke them out. Take the offensive. Keep asking why these
lobbyists are McCain's best friends. Let's finally have a
Democrat who's got the balls to fire first.
· This is an
edited extract from Mike's Election Guide, by Michael Moore,
published by Grand Central Publishing on September 1 . To order
a copy for £7.99, with free UK p&p, call 0870 836 0875 or visit
guardian.co.uk/bookshop.
Click
on "comments" below to read or post
comments
Comment
Guidelines
Be
succinct, constructive and relevant to the story.
We encourage
engaging, diverse and meaningful commentary. Do
not include personal information such as names,
addresses, phone numbers and emails. Comments
falling outside our guidelines – those
including personal attacks and profanity –
are not permitted.
See our complete Comment
Policy and use
this link to notify us if you have
concerns about a comment. We’ll promptly
review and remove any inappropriate postings.
Send
Page To a Friend
In
accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this
material is distributed without profit to those
who have expressed a prior interest in receiving
the included information for research and
educational purposes. Information Clearing House
has no affiliation whatsoever with the originator
of this article nor is Information ClearingHouse
endorsed or sponsored by the originator.)
|
