Not in My Lifetime...
By John S. Hatch
03/10/08 "ICH " -- - Sarah Palin is quite certain that Jesus
will return to Earth during her lifetime. She considers this
good news, as folks like her will be Raptured (naked, by the
way) into heaven while the rest of us (including any Jews
who don’t convert) will face the Tribulation—seriously
crappy times, by any definition. Even worse than right now
(I know!). Plus, we’ll be left (potentially) without an
American VP. We won’t even have Sarah to kick around
anymore. Crap!
But what if He’s already here? Would we know? Might He be
spotted buying a new crown of thorns at Wal-Mart (a cheap
Middle-Eastern import of course, made by eight-year olds)?
Or grabbing a burger (‘Want that Supersized, Big Guy?’)
After all, even Sons of God have to eat, if They can afford
to. Signs that He could be back already? Well, not since He
reputedly walked on water have the laws of physics
temporarily been suspended, as they apparently were again on
9/11. You don’t think...? Well, who knows what to think? It’s
twilight time. Up is down.
Then again, I’m sure Sarah knows that Jesus isn’t some
white, English speaking Alaskan dude. Doesn’t she? Tell me
Jesus doesn’t shoot moose, at least from helicopters!
So if He were (forgive me) foolish enough, after his past
famous alleged reception, to actually want to (prematurely)
return to this godforsaken world, wouldn’t he look (and
sound) more, well, Palestinian? Well, talk about being in
the wrong place at the wrong time! Again! And, perhaps
knowing the torturous and murderous fate of so many
Palestinians at the hands of genocidal Zionists, were He to
slip for safety into Afghanistan or Iraq by mistake, it
would be a biggest-time case of wrong time and place all
over again. Strike three. You’re out, Lord.
So if Jesus jumped the gun (so to speak) on Sarah and is
already back among us, there’s a statistically sound, at
least get-hit-by-lightening chance that he’s at Bagram or
the Baghdad airport, or on a ship of which the military
denies existence. Or He’s been outsourced to Egypt or Saudi
Arabia or Syria. Or who knows? Maybe He’s in an oubliette on
American soil after all, a suspected (but not charged)
non-Jesus oil-less Arab of the worst kind. After all,
they’ve grabbed taxi-drivers, teachers, lawyers, clerics,
doctors, lawyers, farmers, even children as young as eight,
and tortured them if they couldn’t prove a negative, or even
if they could. Usually they torture first. And last. Wrong
is right.
Maybe Jesus has been smeared in dog or human excrement, had
most of his teeth knocked out, has been chained to the
ceiling for days, has had a broomstick thrust up His rectum,
has been denied food and water for prolonged periods, has
finally been fed, but a vile substance containing ratshit,
has been given poisoned water to drink. Perhaps He’s been
electrocuted, then doused with cold water after being
sleep-deprived for days. Perhaps doctors and psychologists
assisted in His torments, and others considered it pure fun,
including those holding the highest offices in the United
States. Welcome back, Jesus. We missed you so much!
And why? There’s no why anymore. Is took over. It’s simply
the American way.
It’s the Bush/Cheney way.
It’s the McCain/Palin way.
It’s the Obama/Biden way.
Would that it were different.
‘Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.’
Who said that?
We forgot. Maybe Sarah will get back to us.
John S. Hatch is a Vancouver writer &
film-maker
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