The History of a Campaign That Failed
(Apologies to Mark Twain)

By Sarah Palin
Former Governator of a Really Big State

Satire

By Clay Reynolds

September 04, 2009 "Information Clearing House" -- Once upon a time there was a little boy named Barack Hussein Obama who was born in Hawaii, which is near Kenya, or maybe part of Kenya--who can tell? At any rate he was born in Hawaii, maybe, on an island named Oahu, which rhymes with “Wahoo,” which is the yell that came from my daughter’s bedroom so many times when she and her boyfriend were watching the Christian Broadcasting Network’s review of Gospel Favorites—they were such fans!-- and his father was from Kenya, which made the little boy half an African American--a real African American, not one of the fake kinds from Georgia or someplace--or at least half an African American, since his mother wasn't from Kenya or Hawaii, but was from Kansas, which is part of Chicago. I think. At least, there are some nice stores there and a really tall building and a lake nobody can swim in because it’s so polluted bigger than the Bering Straits that you can’t really see across whether the Russians are there are no and can’t swim in because it’s so cold.

This little boy worked hard all his life to earn money so he could go to school, and he made good grades, although he probably didn't deserve them but only got them because he was in Kansas and everyone knew he was from Hawaii or Kenya, which made him special because nobody can remember where Hawaii is, except Anne Marie Smith, who was so prissy that she didn't even have to wear glasses so everyone could see her when she winked. In any case, he grew up and went to Harvard, which is a big college somewhere near Maine or Connecticut or one of those teeny-tiny states that nobody can remember on a geography quiz, or at least nobody in my class could remember the capital of except Anne Marie Smith, who was so snotty just because her daddy was a big deal in town, which is why I wanted to be a president or senator or own my own beauty shop or be something important when I grew up, like maybe governator of the State of Alaska, right after I beat the socks off of her in all the beauty contests we could find to enter—and I did, too! Anyway, he went to Harvard or somewhere like that and became a lawyer or something like that and came back to Kansas and worked hard to make things all better in the neighborhoods of Chicago, which everybody knows is full of Mafia goon squads and such things who are always shooting at each other and not even from airplanes, and finally was elected to the US SENATE from the state of Illinois or Iowa or someplace that has lots of corn and wheat and pigs and stuff, and lots of African Americans, too--the fake fake kind who aren't even from Georgia or someplace.

While he was in Chicago or Kansas but before he left for the SENATE, he joined this church that is run by Black Pantherites, who hate America and say “G.D. America” and talk about h-e-double two-sticks all the time, not as a place that Muslims go to burn forever even though they think there are a bunch of virgins there, but as a description of the same communities Obama was working hard to organize and became a Muslim and a Nazi and a Socialist. His work as an organizer was because of him being a Socialist, who are also organizers, mostly. He became a Muslim because his daddy was a Kenyan and an African American--the real kind--and because he hates America because his grandmother lived in Hawaii and he didn't get to visit her very much, which is why he hates old people.

He became a Nazi because he heard that the Nazis rounded up all the old people and killed nearly six million of them somewhere in Europe--Australia, I think--during one of those World Wars we had that nobody could keep straight except Anne Marie Smith, who always thought she was so important because her mother could make stew from fresh killed moosemeat, something that I soon learned to do better than she did and got my stew on national television to boot, and not just because it was a slow news day, either, although I had to make the network pay to have the house cleaned up because it was such a mess from my kids tracking in moose guts and fish scales and stuff because they know that because we eat we hunt since the supermarket doesn’t sell moosemeat. So he kept it a secret that he was a secret Kenyan and Muslim and Socialist and Nazi from Chicago, Iowa, which is near Kansas or Hawaii.

He was in the US SENATE just long enough to get his chair warm and to vote for a bunch of stuff only Socialists believe in—like abortions and not praying and letting homosexuals act like regular people—and then he ran for the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES, and he won! And I ran for Vice President, I think, but they made me hang around with this really old guy named John McCain who was kind of crippled up and really old and didn’t look good standing next to me because he’s so short and who didn't know how to match his tie with my dress, and who kept wincing and making faces at me whenever I tried to tell him how the cow ate the cabbage, which, by golly, I know! Even though we don’t have a lot of cows in Alaska, because we keep thinking they’re caribou or grizzly bears and shooting them. And so we lost, which wasn't fair, because they made me answer all these really hard questions about Africa and other countries I’d never heard of on television and in other places, and even though they gave me the answers ahead of time and put this gizmo, which I would not wear because it did not match my earrings, in my ear so they could even tell me what they were, I never could remember them the way that nasty Anne Marie Smith would have, just because she thinks she's so perfect because she married a guy with a real job and stuff and who takes a bath once in a while and shaves and looks good in a real suit, but who really isn’t very good in bed, and by golly…well, never mind that, tick-a-lock!.

And the first thing Obama did was run the economy into the ground and make people lose their jobs and go broke, and the second thing he did was raise taxes on babies and crippled people, and the third thing he did was invade Iraq because they had all these massive destructibles which he never could find even though we had already killed Sadaam Hussein, who was the really bad guy who lived in a hole and never shaved and had fleas and lice and stuff and who I think Obama is related to because they have the same name and who captured a bunch of airplanes and ran them into the Empire State Building in Boston or Philadelphia or someplace like that when he could just as easily have run them into some building in Chicago, like the Sears Twin Towers or somewhere, and the fourth thing he did was invade Afghanistan and try to find Ossama been Laden, who is another really bad man who ran the Taliban, which I think is a kind of religious department store in India or Peru, or someplace, and who makes lots of video tapes even though nobody has a VCR anymore and only play DVDs, and who won’t speak English, even though he can, and even though Obama tortured every man, woman, and old person in the country my making them ride surf boards in the water, and also made them wear these really ugly orange jumpsuits and live in Gitmo,Cuba, which is near Florida or Texas, where there’s no new cars at all, but he never could, and the fifth thing he did was give all the money in Washington D.C. to the car makers because everybody, including Anne Marie Smith, who thinks she's so important just because her daughter has a husband and stuff, wants cars made in Pakistan and other parts of Africa, especially Honduras, which is why we are going to war with Pakistan next, because of all the boarder problems they’re having with the warlords, who are, I think, men who are witches, and the sixth thing he did was give all the other money he borrowed from the Chinese, who are near North Korea and look just like them and who makes Obama look like a chipmunk in a polar bear cage at feeding time, even though the Chinese should probably save all their money to pay for the winter Olympias they had there, even though it didn't snow the way it does in my home state of Alaska, so they had to do all kinds of other stuff that made no sense, like beach volleyball, which may be illegal to watch in Alaska, which is where they should have the Olympias, even though that snooty Anne Marie Smith would probably enter the swimsuit competition again and beat me out, since I had all my children naturally and not by Caesar Section the way she did, and the seventh thing he did was to find this Mexican woman and made her a Supreme, even though she wasn’t even a fake African American and probably can’t even sing or dance because she was a racist and a Mexican and too short besides and who probably doesn’t even speak English and who I think snuck into the country before we could put up a wall to stop that kind of thing, and the eighth thing he did try to make CONGRESS, which is where the US SENATE is, and which is near NEW YORK CITY, which is an evil place, or so Anne Marie Smith said when she was being so stuck up about having a bunch of clothes from fancy stores there, which is something I made John McCain buy for me the very second I became a mate on his running ticket but before he fooled around and lost the election because he hung around with this guy named Joe Plumber who wasn’t really a plumber and who never wears a tie and was even dumber than Anne Marie Smith, try to pass a health care bill which would mean that we would have to give FREE HEALTH CARE to people who had NO MONEY AT ALL, if you can believe that! I mean how are drug pushers and doctors and insurance companies supposed to get ahead if that happens? And then he wanted to kill all the babies, including my own little girl's baby, I'm sure, and just because her boyfriend turned out to be such a jerk--which was a total surprise to everyone, and I don't care what Anne Marie Smith says! And part of his stupid, ridiculous health care thingie was to make sure all the old people were rounded up and put into gasoline chambers where they would be burned alive before being strangulated by poison glasses, the same way the Nazis did, which proves that he's a Nazi, just like giving all that money away to all the banks and car companies proves that he was a Socialist and the fact that he bowed down on his knees before some Muslim in Arabia, which is near Turkey or Egypt or someplace in the Middle of Asia, and then he refused to prove that he was ever actually born anywhere, and then he wanted kids to stay in school so they'd all turn out like Anne Marie Smith, probably, and be so stuck-up, just like that nasty Katie Couric—who actually looks like Anne Marie Smith, only she’s shorter and a little hippy--which I am not!, I don’t care what Anne Marie Smith says—and who I happen to know dyes her hair and wears contact lenses or that mean old Jon Stewart who I think is a Jew and who is shorter than John McCain and not even as cute as Joe Plumber, or that real Nazi Steve Colbert, who I think is really a secret boyfriend of Anne Marie Smith, and who I know for a fact went to Iraq so he could spy for the El Quadas, who are, I think, all Kenyans or maybe Kurdistanis or one of those K words, and so they could remember something they read, or maybe so they could actually read, which is a waste of time in Alaska, since there's lots of wild animals to shoot and hockey to play and snowmobiles to race around, and stuff like that to do when we're not counting the fish floating down stream or watching the Russians off our back porches! So that's why Obama is an evil person and unAmerican and probably wishes he was born in one of the original thirteen colonials, like I was, and that he was more than half an African American--the real kind--which of course, he isn't even that, really, since even Anne Marie Smith knows that there are no Africans in Hawaii!

Native Texan novelist, scholar, and critic Clay Reynolds is the author of thirteen books and more than seven hundred other publications ranging from critical studies to short fiction and poems. He is presently professor of arts and humanities at the University of Texas at Dallas and for five years served as the school's associate dean for undergraduate studies.. http://www.clayreynolds.info/  RClayR @ aol. com