Why the Romnibus Wasn't the Omnibus
By Fred Reed
November 13, 2012 "Information
- I have been a bad person. I did not vote. I confess it. I
would rather be caught in a gay brothel dealing in underage boys
than in a voting booth. The two are equally degrading, but
voting carries the further implication of l0w intelligence. Ages
ago a Japanese friend told me “We are not too intelested in
Amelican national erection.” Me too either.
What was the point? We suffered Years of blather from
unqualified charlatans who regard the public as ignorant
hamsters of low caste, and what do we get? The same unqualified
charlatan. We could have done it without an election. Think of
the peace and quiet.
This deplorable practice—holding elections, I mean—is thought to
be fraught with consequences. For example, I am told that the
defeat of Romney signals the end of rule by Angry Old White Men.
I hope so. I enjoy living in the Third World, and soon Americans
will be able to do so from the comfort of home.
To me Mr. Romney’s candidacy signaled the Republicans’ admirable
capacity to do the impossible: find an aspirant even more
depressing than Obama. But they managed. It was a triumph of the
human spirit. Never underestimate American ingenuity.
How was this result achieved? Mr. Romney asserted that Russia is
America’s most perilous adversary, wanted to deal fiercely with
China, asserted the nonexistence of Palestinians, pledged his
undying troth to Israel (America presumably would be a second
wife), wanted to attack Iran, and thinks we need to increase the
Oh god. Oh god.
Were the Chinese paying him off? If you want to bring the United
States down, keep it spending. On anything. On everything. Does
nobody understand this?
It is most curious. Conservatives think that Reagan the Baffled
won a great victory over the Soviet Onion by spending it into
penury. Grrr. Woof. But in the great sweep of things, what he
did was to increase military spending. The Russians didn’t
matter: The Pentagon quickly found another financial pretext in
Terrorism after the budgetary godsend in New York. Subsequent
presidents continued the trend. From a Chinese point of view, it
is wonderful. They build their economy while we assassinate
ours. They don’t need a military. Ours is doing the job for
The trick is to keep America’s wars going as long and
inconclusively as possible until the land of the free (free
lunch, free rent, free everything) ends up selling pencils on
street corners. I figure Beijing pays the White House under the
So much for Romney. By contrast, with Obama we will have little
cause for alarm, other than abolition of the Constitution,
currency controls, selective denial of passports to enemies of
the administration, uncontrolled inflation, wild federal
spending, and a level of surveillance that would frighten a
laboratory rat. See? The Democrats are much better. I feel so
In a decade I figure we will look longingly at North Korea as a
model of civil liberties.
Then we have the gender gap. I am told that women favored Obama
by a margin of twelve points, while men went for Romney by
eight. Here is clear evidence that women do not understand
politics. It is too difficult for them. They worry their pretty
little heads about trivia like schooling, health care, peace,
security, paying the bills, and having a livable country in
which to live. No nation can long survive such an agenda. Repeal
the Nineteenth Amendment, I say. Should women ever evolve
politically, which doesn’t seem likely, they will see the wisdom
of killing child goat-herds in Afghanistan, like their sexual
And the geography gap. I have seen Mr. Romney quoted as
describing Syria as Iran’s “route to the sea.” This is
fascinating. He doesn’t know where Iraq and Turkey are. And what
does he think the Persian Gulf is? A ham sandwich? Oh well.
There’s always Google Earth.
But the hamstervolk want a hamsterfuehrer who Looks Like
America, and if a candidate were discovered to know where his
wars were, he would be thought elitist.
We come to the threat of socialism. Mr. Obama, I am told more
often than I really think necessary, is a socialist. He is going
to make America into Europe, thought to be expiring of
socialism, a sort of economic gangrene. The same people also
tell me, often with curious orthography, the he is a Marxist, a
communist, a Moslem, and an America-hating Christian. This
notion is an example of the remarkable versatility of barely
existent minds. If the man is a Marxist or communist, these
being explicitly atheistic, then he cannot be a Moslem or any
kind of Christian. If he is a Christian, then he cannot be a
Moslem or a…
But socialism. On the outdated theory that words mean things, I
had recourse to the dictionary and found that socialism is “an
economic system in which the means of production and
distribution belong to the government.” Thus America cannot be
socialist, since the means of production belong to the Chinese.
Nor can I understand why Europe is regarded as socialist. I have
walked the streets of Madrid, Paris, Sevilla, Frankfurt, on and
on, and seen no indication that the stores and restaurants
belonged to government. Neither, I thought, did Siemens,
Dassault, BP, BMW, Mercedes, Santander, Leica and, most
importantly, Bass and Guinness.
Europe looks to me like a capitalist economy with good health
care and long vacations. I feel deeply threatened by this
nightmare, and hope that Congress will impeach Obama before he
can impose such a dreadful thing.
The idea that Obama could turn the US into a socialist realm is
more interesting psychologically than economically. It suggests
depths of giddy retardation that could be plumbed only in a
bathysphere. Corporations control the US. They own Congress. Do
you really think that the CEO of Lockheed-Martin wants to see
the company nationalized and himself put on a federal salary? Oh
sure, any day now. In fact, I expect it by nightfall.
Yes, I know. I will get email telling me of the economic
collapse of Europe, in stark contrast to America’s booming
economy, full employment, staggering trade surplus, and
For all these blessings brought to us by our laudable
leadership, I suggest that instead we ought to borrow Angela
Merkel, Uri Avnery, or that unpronounceable but indescribably
gutsy and intelligent woman who is giving the dictators hives in
Burma. Diversity would be our strength.
Biography: As He Tells It -Fred, a keyboard mercenary with a
disorganized past, has worked on staff for Army Times, The
Washingtonian, Soldier of Fortune, Federal Computer Week, and
The Washington Times.
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