.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him!"

Gee whiz, L Paul, that’s great. But I’m not so sure it was "we" who got him. At the very best it was our troops who got him. I know I didn’t get him – unless he was that smelly guy the Beverly Hills cops rousted for wiping my windshield. And unless I’m mistaken, you, L. Paul Bremmer, ain’t one of our troops. You’re the highly paid civilian administrator sitting safe in a Baghdad palace with your "combat" boots up on the gold-leaf table. Combat boots alone does not qualify you as one of our troops. The troops are those people outside the palace positioned to take your bullet. So if I didn’t get him, and you didn’t get him, the "we" is misleading, imperial, or fallacious. That’s the best case. The worst is, well, even worse. In fact, according to the British press, your entire story is a bunch of baloney. A story in the British Sunday Express said it was the Kurds – not "we" – who actually "got him."

As a proud and patriotic American, I find it all hard to swallow, too. But those arrogant Kurds went so far as to announce it to the Iranian radio (IRNA) several hours before "we" even arrived at the "rat hole."¹ So it’s out there. The Kurds even sent a press dispatch: "Saddam Hussein, the former President of the Iraqi regime, was captured by the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan…" blah, blah, blah. In fact, according to Yvonne Ridley, the award winning British journalist who broke this story in the West, Iraq’s Kurdish population began celebrating long before L. Paul’s speech. Worse yet, Hussein’s capture by the Kurds was reportedly known by the Bush administration for some number of days prior to the big announcement.² If this is true, it could mean that our young people continued dying and being maimed in the Sunni Triangle, while their Washington masters already knew their objective – the ace of spades - was in Kurdish custody. Our people were dying in the search for Saddam, while we negotiated with his real captors – conceding to them only God knows what – in return for the Kurds letting "we" claim the credit for his capture. Guess who got the credit.

Let’s hope that the ensuing weeks will reveal or confirm which claim is the truth and which is a lie. But one thing is virtually certain today. We rely far more heavily than this administration will admit on Kurdish intelligence. Nothing wrong with that. They hate Hussein for what he did to them, not because some dope all dressed up in a suit and tie told them to. Nobody suffered under the Butcher of Baghdad more than did the Kurds. They have lots of old scores to settle with Saddam and his sons. We still would not know where Saddam is if we hadn’t paid Qusrat Rasul Ali, the Kurdish chieftain to take us to him. So fess up Washington. Show some diplomatic sense. It’s getting so the Bush leaguers are so truth-averse that they lie when they don’t have to simply to justify spending $710 billion without much to show for it - not to the taxpaying public, that is. Day after day new lies are exposed. Thus we, the American public don’t know what to believe anymore. The wildest claims by the least credible sources hold credence and often prove true while the administration’s denials as often prove false.

Well, one thing appears certain. What "we" did was give the Kurds the political concessions they wanted, and the $25 million ransom they demanded. They then took us to the hole into which they’d thrown a drugged Saddam some time earlier. Americans were along, but the question here is, whose intelligence was acted upon: ours – as Bush was quick to claim - or the PUK’s which was announced on Iranian radio, with details, well before L. Paul’s "We got him," boast was beamed around the world.

The other thing we did for certain, was "we" cleaned Hussein’s teeth and gave him a shave. We did that right on TV. On that point "we" cannot be doubted. That little episode was no doubt staged by the administration’s aircraft carrier-plastic-turkey-media-genius, Karl Rove. The man who turned an Air Force deserter into Elite Force Aviator with one spectacular media stunt and a handy aircraft carrier that happened to be waiting off San Diego on Memorial Day was at it again.

Of course Karl Rove has to keep it up. The swooning over Elite Force Aviator and his Mission Accomplished banners sort of faded away when the truth was revealed.³ Then on Thanksgiving Day, Karl Rove treated us all to the plastic-turkey-with-the-troops stunt. That backfired, too. Now this. All of which says guys like Rove should stick to ass-kissing and treason, and leave the show-biz stunts to us professionals. Because by primping and preening Saddam on free TV, now Karl will never be able to book Hussein on the cable makeover show, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. That leaves Rove and his media stooges with an entire hour out of the upcoming elect… I mean TV season during which we the viewing public will be denied tributes to the exploits of The Elite Force Aviator and his conquest of The Butcher Of Baghdad! Drat!

But getting back to the Kurds. Maybe somebody should give the Kurds a TV show. (Kurd-TV? PUK-TV? …some other time maybe.) Anyway, it was after all the Kurds, the very same ones – the PUK under Qusrat Rasul Ali – who surrounded Uday and Qusay in anticipation of the $30 million dollar reward we’d placed on their empty heads.¹ Whether or not they ever collected we don’t know. Because despite that Uday and Qusay Hussein were the only guys in the world we could be reasonably certain would know where papa Saddam was hiding – we Americans immediately blew their prodigal brains out. Or so we were told. But could it have been that the PUK blew the boys’ brains out, figuring without Uday and Qusay blabbing to us, the Americans would further need to rely on the PUK in their hunt for Saddam as well? The Americans would be left in the crumby position of having to take the blame for shooting Uday and Kusay, of course, but to say otherwise would be to admit that it was the Kurds who got there first. And besides, shooting guys always plays well with the American public. Pride goeth before a fall. Even the PUK read that part.

But to the point, if paying a simple ransom of $25 million to a Kurdish chieftain got us Saddam, and let’s figure another $30 mil to deliver his dopey sons – "dead or alive" just as Elite Force Aviator authorized – that totals a paltry 55 million bucks for Saddam and his successors to the regime. That begs the old question, what happened to the rest of the $91 BILLION we’ve spent on regime change in Iraq so far? Where’d that go? Seems we’re getting a much higher ROI from the Kurds, than from our troops. Given their record, and given ours, why don’t we just pay the Kurds to find the weapons of mass destruction too? So far their going rate to find stuff averages out at about $33 million per. So why not give it to them out of cash flow? At our current burn rate, we’ll spend that much looking for the WMDs before the sun comes up tomorrow morning.

If we let the Kurds find the WMDs that will complete our altruistic efforts in Iraq. We’ve completed the regime change. We’ve liberated the Iraqis. We’ve found Saddam Hussein. We’ve blown up the TV stations. We’ve found Uday and Kusay. We’ve asked Haliburton to give back the $61 million they overcharged the Army for gasoline so the Army can drive their Humvees across the world’s second largest petroleum deposit without running dry. The Iraqi people don’t deserve any more of our kindness. Why not pay the Kurds their lousy ounce of flesh, and let them find the WMDs too? If we do that, Elite Force Aviator can declare himself the victor and still bring our troops home in time for New Years Eve. It would be great to see some of the troops coming off the plane under their own power. Alive.

Ah, well. Enough about Iraq. Speaking of oil reserves, how about that Gaddafi deal with Libya, huh? He’s gonna destroy his WMDs and "rejoin the world," as Elite Force Aviator said. This has been quite a week for the Bush league. Elite Force Aviator must have scared the pants off’a that once terrible Gaddafi guy with his capture of Saddam.

Oh, you say you don’t remember Muammar Gaddafi? His country, Libya, was the primo evildoer back in the Eighties, and he was the terrorist in charge. He even blew up an American 747 airliner over Lockerbie Scotland - Pan Am Flight 103 – killing hundreds of Americans, many of whom were my son’s classmates back in 1988. It was a real big deal at the time. Hardly anyone remembers it anymore, what with all the other evildoers being run to ground by our intrepid leaders lately. In fact, if I weren’t such a cheapskate my own son, a student at Syracuse University at the time of the fatal trip, might have been on the plane along with his friends. I guess that’s why I remember it – albeit vividly. But apparently Elite Force Aviator doesn’t remember it at all. Because, yesterday, exactly on the 15^th anniversary of that bombing – the worst terrorist act against America and her people prior to September Eleventh - and while many of the victims’ parents and loved ones had gathered in Washington to observe the day of mourning together at Arlington National Cemetery, Elite Force Aviator was also in town. He had something really important to say about the terrorist who murdered the Arlington group’s loved ones, too. Elite Force Aviator used the anniversary to declare that the self-admitted murderer - Libyan Dictator Col. Muammar Gaddafi – was a good guy again. In fact, he was going to be our oil producing buddy. Wow, what a statesman. Hail to the thief…I mean chief! Hail to the chief. ⁴

Now, while ignoring the symbolism of forgiving a murderous anti-American terrorist on the anniversary of his horrific crime, and doing so in the same city where the victims’ families had gathered to mourn, might imply that Elite Force Aviator is an insensitive moron. But I think that if he’d remembered the date, he’d have realized that those parents (as well as the hundreds of other families who’d lost their loved ones at the bloody hands of Muammar Gaddafi on that fateful day) would be gathered together observing the anniversary of their children’s murder. But let’s face it, these are tough times . Americans need to be tough too. So instead of feeling sorry for themselves and hugging one another and stuff like that, those parents should have been home watching CNN like real Americans on the anniversary of their children’s horrific murder by a known and admitted terrorist. They then could have heard the happy talking CNN man telling everybody what a good thing it was that Gaddafi had succumbed to Elite Force Aviator’s power and fearsomeness and was a nice man now. Hey, Muamar, all is forgiven! Here’s Dick Cheney’s business card.

Not only will we help our new best friend Muammar find and extract his county’s oil, Gaddafi even agreed to stop producing weapons of mass destruction. What a great guy.

Funny how things happen. Last week we didn’t even know Gaddafi was a producer of weapons of mass destruction. Like most people, I figured a guy who sleeps in a tent, and can’t even dig up his own oil, which is everywhere, might need a little more time before synthesizing nuclear fission without hurting himself. Call me a cynic, but he did blow up Pan Am 103 with a primitive homemade bomb that went off about an hour early. He’s not even on the Axis Of Evil. So I’m not ready to believe that our intrepid government, under the leadership of the Elite Force Aviator knew that in addition to the Axis Of Evil, there was also this lone terrorist state – let’s call it the Wheelbarrow Of Evil - rolling around in the Middle East, all this time making WMDs, and didn’t tell us about it. Well, perhaps the Elite Force Aviator kept the Wheelbarrow Of Evil a secret from us because he knew Muammar Gaddafi wasn’t evil anymore. (Perhaps God told him, just like He told him about Saddam) So, since Gaddafi was a good guy now, the Elite Force Aviator didn’t want to worry us folks over the holidays.

Good thing, too. Because if we stayed mad at Libya just because it used to be the Wheelbarrow Of Evil, Haliburton would not be able to sell Gaddafi several zillion dollars worth of petroleum extraction technology and equipment in the years ahead. Bush’s slimly oil buddies would have to keep sitting on those lucrative old Libyan oil leases until we lifted the sanctions we imposed just because Gaddafi blew up one stinking American plane. Besides, missing an opportunity like that would have been bad for the recovering American economy. Forgive and forget. That’s what I say.

Which is that exactly what most Americans have done. The president’s approval rating went to 62% today, with 59% approving of the way he’s handling the economy. Fully 63% of our countrypersons are now certain that the war in Iraq was a necessity and that the existence or not of weapons of mass destruction did not and does not matter. Face it. We got him! That’s what matters to America.

So everybody should go out and enjoy the holiday season. Fly around with your shoes off, buy stuff on credit, and remain secure in the knowledge that the world is a safer place thanks to Elite Force Aviator. He even told us exactly that when "we" caught Saddam. He then demonstrated how safe we are and how tough he is by scaring the bloomers off Gaddafi. Now Elite Force Aviator has shown us how great a leader he is by welcoming Libya back into the oil business with America. Remember, to err is human, to forgive… aw you now the rest.

God bless George W. Bush. That’s all that needs to be said.

Oh, by the way, ignore that Orange Alert from the $38 billion Homeland Security Agency. Can you believe those wimps? They expect us – the American public – to buy their story that even after Elite Force Aviator spent our $260 billion budget surplus, and plunged the nation another $450 billion into debt in the interest of national security, and after 462 young Americans gave their lives, and another 7000 have been wounded, and during the very week that we’ve captured and/or reformed the two biggest evildoers around, that the probability of a terrorist attack against Americans is now higher than it’s ever been since September Eleventh itself? I mean, how can that be? Which evildoer is left out there? Are we gonna need another $710 billion dollars to get him, too?

Sleep well tonight, America. Elite Force Aviator is awake and Santa is on his way.

Dom Stasi is an engineer working in the television and motion picture industry in Hollywood. As a younger man, he was the original chief engineer who helped design, build and launch MTV in 1981 (and served as vice president of Network Operations and Design Engineering through 1988). Mr. Stasi also flew aerial reconnaissance during the Cold War and, after an honorable discharge, worked as a flight test engineer whose specialty was the flight test and certification of advanced military aerial recon systems.

1. http://www.sundayherald.com/print38816
2. http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=13341763
3. http://bigeye.com/chicken.htm
4. http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=03/12/22/1658258