France Invades U.S. (Part 3)

Read:  Part 1 Here - Part 2 Here

Jerry Ghinelli

04/21/04 "ICH" -- With worldwide criticism of France’s occupation of America mounting, French president Jacques Chirac met with reporters early today to discuss the rationale for the American invasion, the failure to find weapons of mass destruction and the growing number of French casualties. 

Chirac began the interview in a lighthearted way, playfully looking under the podium for weapons of mass destruction. “None here,” he joked. The French journalists, many of whom had witnessed the horror of the American invasion as embedded reporters, were clearly amused by Chirac’s sense of humor. 

Despite the failure to locate weapons of mass destruction and the lack of evidence to support his claim that America had ties to terrorist groups, Chirac insisted the world was a safer place now the unelected president had been removed from power. 

The American people are free from the tyranny of George W. Bush and France has won yet another significant battle in its war on terror by removing the brutal leader. It will be the American people, against whom Bush has inflicted years of war and economic hardship, who will be responsible for bringing him to justice when power is transferred to a new American government. The initial date of the transfer was set for June 30 but that has now been moved to November 2, 2004. 

Chirac reminded the media that the former US president was a threat not only to France but also to other coalition partners such as Bulgaria, Honduras and El Salvador. Bulgaria, Chirac insisted, was in imminent danger of an invasion, while Honduras and El Salvador were “prime targets of freedom-hating American tourists.” Then, correcting himself, he said, “I mean terrorists.” 

Bush, noted Chirac, invaded other countries in violation of international law and defied United Nations resolutions. He even used chemical weapons against his own people. Chirac reminded reporters that as Governor of Texas Bush executed 152 people, including women and illiterates, with lethal chemical injections. 

He added, “Bush was not the only American president to commit atrocities against his own people. Previous American administrations attacked their own people at Waco and Kent State, interned Japanese Americans in concentration camps, enslaved African Americans and slaughtered native Americans. Under French occupation, the American people are safe from brutal repressive regimes like that of the former tyrant George W. Bush.” 

Chirac was asked to comment on former UN weapons inspector Hans Blix’s recent declaration that America was better off under George Bush than under French occupation. Blix, you’ll recall, was the leading UN weapons inspector searching for weapons of mass destruction in America before the invasion. Chirac dismissed Blix as “a tired old bureaucrat” and referred to the UN as a “talking shop.” 

The reporters noted that many of Chirac’s own cabinet officers, as well as members of parliament, had recently become openly critical of Chirac over the war, over the mounting number of French casualties and over the lack of an effective exit strategy. 

One former counter-terrorism expert in the Chirac administration has claimed in a recent book that America did not have links to terrorist groups or possess weapons of mass destruction. When asked about this, Chirac dismissed it as a high-tech coup d'état by his disgruntled former counter-terrorism expert. 

Chirac went on to note that it was not international law but divine intervention that gave him the authority to free the people of the United States. Chirac said, “The heavenly father personally spoke to me, blessing this crusade and reminding me that I was a man of peace anointed by a supreme court of avenging angels and directed to go to America to do God’s work.” 

The French parliament, which gave Chirac carte blanche when it voted overwhelmingly to authorize his use of force against the Americans, has remained only mildly critical of the American invasion. It has postponed a vote authorizing the need for additional troops to combat the growing American insurgency but it is holding a critical vote on legislation to rename American cheese Freedom Cheese. The resolution is expected to be passed overwhelmingly. Chirac praised the wisdom and sacrifice of the French parliament in passing such important legislation during these critical times. 

The light-hearted mood in which Chirac had opened the interview suddenly became quite serious.

“Let’s make no mistake about it,” Chirac said, “these American trouble makers hate our freedom and our democracy. They hate our cheese, our wine, our frogs’ legs, our escargot. They hate our music, our unisex bathrooms, our nude beaches. American women were oppressed under the Bush administration and forced to wear ‘bikini burquas’ while sunbathing or else be arrested for indecency by attorney general John Ashcroft’s Ministry of Vice and Virtue.” 

Chirac also became quite angry over the American insurgents’ recent treatment of French soldiers. “These freedom-hating American terrorists violate Geneva Convention rules by parading French soldiers on the banned AL-Fox News Network.” 

“France,” he reminded reporters, “does not label Americans as prisoners of war, preferring to call them detainees. It transports them safely, under cover of darkness and without any publicity, to the magnifique tropical island of French Guiana, often called ‘lie du Diable’ – Devil’s Island. These terrorists and freedom-hating remnants of the brutal dictator George W. Bush are comfortably quartered in a tropical paradise in the Captain Alfred E. Dreyfus J'accuse detention center.” 

A French soldier of Jewish ancestry, Captain Dreyfus, was sent to French Guiana for treason in 1895. Despite his protestations of innocence, he was found guilty of treason in secret military proceedings. Today these American insurgents of Christian ancestry are committed to the same fate as Captain Dreyfus in secret military proceedings for suspected links with terrorist groups. “It’s déjà vu,” joked Chirac. 

Chirac was then handed a note from one of his aides. 

“I have an announcement to make: we got him!” 

Today, coalition forces had captured the former US secretary of state near his home in Bethesda, Maryland. Known for giving people cute nicknames, Chirac branded Colin Luther Powell “Lex Luther Powell, the evildoer.” 

Powell, you’ll recall, skillfully lied to the UN Security Council, denying the existence of American weapons of mass destruction. Powell stated that the US was in compliance with UN resolution 1441 and that all the banned weapons had been destroyed between 1991 and 1998. 

Chirac branded Powell a skillful liar and referred to him as the “king of (broken) hearts” in his deck of cards. 

Chirac announced that former Bush spokesmen Ari Fleisher, nicknamed “Comical Ari,” had been captured along with Powell. 

Chirac smiled and looked up, giving his trademark smirk: “Comical Ari was the obvious joker in his deck of cards.” Laughter erupted from the reporters. It was Fleisher who had repeatedly lied during the ground invasion and given misleading reports to the media and the American people about the weapons of mass destruction. 

With the cost of the American invasion now exceeding 200 billion euros and with over 700 French soldiers killed and nearly 4,000 wounded, Chirac bristled and said, “We’re going to have our good days and our bad days.” He said that the roadmap to peace and democracy in America was not, as some would suggest, a “cul-de-sac.” 

He cited the enormous progress that has been made in rebuilding America and paid special tribute to a consortium of international companies for their resolve and the sacrifices they had made in the massive reconstruction projects going on in America today. Chirac gave special praise to Peugeot, Michelin, Renault, Air France, Vivendi and Christian Dior for their courage and their contributions to the American people. 

“Will these international corporations continue to support the American reconstruction project despite the attacks and the recent setbacks?” Chirac was asked. 

“You can take it to the bank!” 

Read:  Part 1 Here - Part 2 Here

Copyright: Jerry Ghinelli jerryghinelli@informationclearinghouse.info