By Lee Camp

October 16, 2019 "Information Clearing House" -  Only 100 companies will sign humanity’s death sentence. That’s it. One hundred corporate boards filled with sociopaths. But I’ll get back to that in a moment.

In recent weeks, climate activists in New York City jammed up foot traffic on Wall Street with a die-in, covering themselves in fake blood and lying on the ground. Other activists in Washington, D.C., blocked intersections using a variety of tactics, gridlocking traffic and pissing off a lot of people. It seems clear that when it comes to our impending extinction, practically no one cares, unless it means they have to sit in traffic for 10 extra minutes. Apparently there is nothing that upsets Americans more than being stuck in their car, moving at a negative MPH, completely unable to get to the jobs they fucking hate.

And that’s why those are the types of protests that matter—the ones that interrupt the flow of capitalism, not the colorful marches where we all show up for two hours while the politicians we’re ostensibly trying to influence go play golf. I’m not saying don’t get involved in the friendly marches—I’m just saying our rulers don’t care that you did. It’s like when you dress up your baby in a costume: I’m not saying you have to stop, but you’re only doing it for yourself. The ruling elite, like your baby, doesn’t actually care.

But since I aim to please, here’s a point for those of you who don’t give a shit about the climate crisis. The corporations that are screwing up your life, tainting your water, polluting your air, buying up your favorite coffee shop and turning it into a gas station, sucking your tax dollars up through subsidies, and all the while paying their employees a warm can of farts per hour—those corporations are the same ones creating the climate catastrophe.

In fact, The Guardian reported that just 100 companies are responsible for 71% of global greenhouse gas emissions. These include Exxon Mobil, Saudi Aramco, Shell, Chinese and Russian coal, Chevron, BP, CNPC, ConocoPhillips, Gazprom, Lukoil, Total, Petrobas and many others.

One hundred incredibly rich yet morally bankrupt companies. That’s it.

It gets even worse. The Carbon Majors Report revealed that more than half of all industrial emissions over the past 30 years were put out by just 25 corporate and state-owned entities. Twenty-five companies are killing us, smothering us, stealing our futures while choking us (and not the fun kind of consensual choking done in the bedroom. This is the bad kind of choking that results in drought and hurricanes and your dog stuck in a tree!).

Basically, a tiny number of sociopaths make the decisions that are currently dooming us all, and as much as I’d like to tell you otherwise, those people don’t even notice if we all march outside in colorful hats. The marches are kinda like those “rate your experience” things at airports and restaurants, with giant color-coded buttons that feature four choices, ranging from a smiley face all the way down to the dreaded frowny face. I hate to get conspiratorial, but I’m 84% certain that those buttons aren’t even connected to anything. The powers that be just know that you feel better if you think you gave your opinion. Although I will say that the last time I “rated my experience,” I actually did get a response from TSA at the airport. I was only halfway through taking a dump on the frowny face when guys with guns showed up.