The Importance of Being
Angry
By Robert J. Burrowes
January 18, 2015 "ICH"
- Unfortunately, in many circles,
anger has a bad reputation. There are
several reasons for this. One reason is that
we are scared when people are angry at us,
so we try to scare people, especially
children, out of being angry. By doing this,
we hope to escape responsibility for our
dysfunctional behaviour.
Another reason that anger has a bad
reputation is because it enables people to
defend themselves against violence and other
forms of abuse. But if we want obedient and
hardworking students, reliable and pliant
employees/soldiers and submissive
law-abiding citizens, then we must terrorize
people out of being angry. Social control is
not easy with people who are powerful and
you need your anger to be powerful.
A third reason that anger has a bad
reputation is that anger is often confused
with violence. But anger and violence are
not the same thing. People who are violent
are not angry; they are scared or, more
accurately, terrified, and they use violence
in a dysfunctional attempt to get what they
need. See 'Why Violence?'
http://tinyurl.com/whyviolence and
'Fearless Psychology and Fearful Psychology:
Principles and Practice'
http://anitamckone.wordpress.com/articles-2/fearless-and-fearful-psychology/
Anger is a vitally important evolutionary
gift and without it we are perpetual
victims. Anger has two primary evolutionary
functions: to let us know when we are being
threatened or attacked (whether by a more
'subtle' abuse or in an explicitly violent
manner) while also giving us the power to
respond effectively to this threat/attack.
The individual who is not afraid to be
angry, will respond immediately, powerfully
and, in virtually all cases, nonviolently to
any threat or attack, warding off the
attacking individual, for example, simply by
clearly showing their anger (which is, of
course, a clear defence in itself, and
watching a snarling dog or wolf will readily
convince you of the effectiveness of this
form of defence).
In contrast, the individual who is afraid to
be angry will either retreat
inappropriately, use violence to
'counter-attack' (including in situations in
which the 'threat' or 'attack' to which they
are responding is actually an outcome of
their own projection) or engage in vicarious
and powerless acts of rebellion or
interference.
What is a powerless act of rebellion? It is
an act that is harmful to themselves, others
and/or the Earth that is done in a way that
allows the individual to either avoid
responsibility (as would occur, for example,
by dropping an item of rubbish, carrying out
an act of vandalism or starting a wildfire
where no one will see them) or to delude
themselves that they will not be held
accountable (as occurs, for example, when
someone pretends that there is no connection
between their unhealthy diet and their
ill-health).
Similarly, an individual might engage in a
powerless act of interference in the life of
another as an unconscious manifestation of
their suppressed anger. For example, if
someone is angry because they feel that they
are being forced to clean up after someone
else, but this anger is fearfully suppressed
and cannot be acted upon by raising and
dealing with the conflict openly, then the
person might half clean up but then leave
all of the cleaning equipment in the way of
the other person in an attempt to
powerlessly 'force' that person to clean up
after them.
More interestingly perhaps, an individual
might engage in a powerless act of
interference in their own life as an
unconscious manifestation of their
suppressed anger. How might they do this?
And why? A person might get in their own
way, for example, by being untidy,
disorganised or by persisting in using
dysfunctional equipment (rather than having
it repaired). And they do this as an
unconscious projection of one or both of
their parents 'getting in my way' when they
were a child. This 'getting in my way'
usually occurs when the child is 'held to
account' for making mistakes (that is, being
inappropriately and unfairly treated as
dysfunctional) but is not allowed to get
angry about this unjust response to its
'mistakes'. So, not allowed to get angry,
the child (and later the adult) wants to
'insist' on doing what they want
(dysfunctional or otherwise) because this
represents them trying to learn to do things
for themselves (and 'getting away with'
making mistakes in doing so). Unfortunately,
they are now trapped in this behaviour
pattern because they cannot have the
feelings, which are fearfully suppressed,
that would allow them to restore more
functional behaviour.
Finally, the individual whose anger is
warped by both their own fear and pain, will
probably act in a vindictive manner, trying
to inflict unnecessary or excessive violence
on the person who is threatening or
attacking them (again, including in
situations in which this threat/attack might
simply be a projection from their own past).
As these simple examples illustrate, if
someone's anger has been fearfully
suppressed, the anger will manifest in a
variety of dysfunctional ways. They might be
violent as well because they lack the
emotional capacity and skills to resolve
conflict nonviolently. But, of course,
whatever the problem, violence cannot solve
it (although it might destroy particular
symptoms of the problem).
Unfortunately, children are routinely denied
functional outlets for their appropriate
anger at adult abuse. They are also denied
the meaningful outcomes that would arise if
they were allowed to express their anger as
part of their articulation of any grievance.
So they do things like 'niggle at' or tease
their siblings and friends, torment the
family pet or smash toys.
So what do we do? If you feel angry, you
should express your anger fully and
completely but in a safe way. And you should
give your child the same opportunity
(including when they are angry with you).
How? Here are some suggestions but you (or
your child) will need to decide what will
work best for you/them. Try screaming (into
a pillow if noise is an issue). Or smash a
bat or racquet into a mattress or cushion.
Or punch a pillow or punching bag. Perhaps
you should get an axe and chop wood
(thinking about utterly destroying who/what
is making you angry) until your anger has
been vented.
If you feel angry you need to exert enormous
physical effort to adequately express it.
This might require considerable time for any
one session and you might need to do a great
many sessions (particularly if your anger is
tapping into suppressed anger from your
past). If you can set up a safe space for
expressing anger, then do so. Whatever you
do, however, don't waste your time saying or
writing 'I feel angry…'. And don't waste a
moment of your life in an 'anger management'
course. Anger, like all emotions, needs to
be expressed, not 'managed' (that is,
suppressed).
Moreover, and this is vitally important, the
learning that comes from expressing your
anger must be allowed to manifest in changed
behaviour. You will find this challenging if
your child realises they no longer want to
go to school – see 'Do We Want School or
Education?'
http://www.salem-news.com/articles/july312013/school-or-education-rjb.php
– so you have a simple choice: you can let
your child realise their evolutionary
potential or you can destroy them.
If we do not allow children to be angry when
it naturally occurs (by terrorising them,
one way or another, into not feeling and
expressing their anger so that they can
functionally alter their behaviour in
response to it), then we systematically
destroy their personal power and make them
perpetual victims of the teachers and
bullies at school, and their employers and
others later in life.
In essence then, if you want a powerless,
obedient child who submits to you, teachers
and (later) employers while playing no part
in resisting violence and exploitation
(whether of themself or others), then just
ensure that you frighten your child out of
being angry so that they lack the courage to
be the unique and powerful organism that
evolution intended.
But if you want a powerful child who is
deeply committed to social justice, then
they must be unafraid of feeling and acting
on their anger.
Strange as it may seem given the widespread
and popular misconceptions about anger and
violence, it is anger that drives our
struggle for a just and peaceful world. If
you wish to join this movement, you can sign
the online pledge of 'The People's Charter
to Create a Nonviolent World'
http://thepeoplesnonviolencecharter.wordpress.com
If we are scared of our anger, we are
powerless and more likely to be violent.
Robert
J. Burrowes has a lifetime commitment to
understanding and ending human violence. He
has done extensive research since 1966 in an
effort to understand why human beings are
violent and has been a nonviolent activist
since 1981. He is the author of 'Why
Violence?'
http://tinyurl.com/whyviolence
His email address isflametree@riseup.net and
his website is at http://robertjburrowes.wordpress.com
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